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Steadfast Love
I'd walk a 1000 miles, just for you.
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Accio brain!
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Originally posted: Feb 9, 2012

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Tierney L - Toirneach Kilt Socks - Jan 20, 2014
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20th-Aug-2014 12:04 pm - Busy Busy [housework, life]
Bring out Your Dead
I feel like I'm doing all the things but getting nowhere.

Yesterday I finished setting up the bank account now that I have my new card, changed my address in Chrome so I can more easily change it everywhere else, and went ahead and updated Amazon with the new info as well, just in case. I also called the lawyer for info on setting up an LLC for the fiber festival, fixing a issue with my credit report, and getting the divorce paperwork started. I also have an appointment for Planned Parenthood scheduled for Thursday to see about staying on my birth control.

I did some work on the tunics I need to repair but stalled out when I realized the piece I need to finish the trim is over at Lynn's apartment. Meanwhile I sewed up Jon's new shield cover, which meant he got to help and learn probably far more about sewing and how I work than he really wanted to know.

Oh, we also went for a walk and I managed almost 30 minutes before having to give up. I did make 1.5 miles but my back started seizing up so that plus the raw spot on the back of my ankle signaled I was done.

I'm exhausted and feeling like I'm not doing enough to treat myself. I did manage to play a bit of Xcom last night, just a couple of missions. But I was so tired it wasn't as enjoyable. I'll be glad when I'm not living with stuff in boxes or spread across two living places. Maybe then I'll be caught up and can actually take some time to work on things for me rather than for others. I like doing things for others but I think I've been spread a little thin for a bit too long at this point.

I want a pillow fort ... and no guilt for not working on projects. I want to have frozen yogurt and not feel bad about the cost or the lack of healthy I'm eating. I want to cook a meal because it's fun and then sit down at a dinner table to slowly enjoy it with a good book.
Create 2
I've finally started the decreases to hopefully this will start going a little faster. I have verified that it fits me so that's a plus.

I finally had a little time to play so I logged into XCom. I've also started playing Darksiders 2 on the PS3.

The moving is going, though slowly as it's across town to go pack things and it's more sense making to go when I'll have several hours and not waste gas,


The Not So Secret Emails of CoCo Pinchard by Robert Bryndza. I'm trying to give it a chance, so far it hasn't pulled me in.
Friday I got home and hung out with Jon for a little bit before we headed out to the party with our friends. We stopped at the grocery store first to pick up a couple things and then we were off. I had a fantastic time at the party, I had a few drinks, there was sword fighting, and a "Let it Go" sing-a-long. I dearly love when Jon sings, such a rich voice. We got home around 3am and crashed out.

Saturday I refused to do any more running until I'd walked for a week or so because my hips were killing me so much from the workout we did on Thursday. I always forget that I have to work up to it .. until I'm in pain. I also refused to walk that morning since I was so worn out from the night before and still had to go spend the day at Lynn's for packing. Jon agreed that we'd just have a rest day and held me close.

Eventually we crawled out of bed and got moving. I headed off to Lynn's for more packing. That was a day long thing but all the books are sorted out now and the boxes have been organized a little bit better than his haphazard way of just stacking them in the middle of the room. Meanwhile I'm reminded that we have a lot of books. I was getting tired and grumpy since he was looking through the books on his own and deciding which ones were his before bringing the stack over and then defensively declaring his property. I finally had enough and pointed out that 1. I'd not argued over 99% of the books (out of 1000 there were only 3 that we couldn't agree on yet), 2. I was tired from a long day of negotiating, and 3. for somebody who wanted me out as soon as possible he was making this take twice as long. Things went a little faster at that point and I got a few things into the car to take home with me.

Sunday was fighter practice. I felt like we got a late start but we weren't that far ahead of the others that showed up. It was a good practice with really good battles. I had a quiver so I was finally a mobile archer. That was awesome and I got a lot more hits since I was able to wander the field a lot more. I got a few really nice face shots, including one where Bjorn was chasing me down and I just barely dodged his sword as I took him out. I have some ideas to improve the quiver but just as it was still pretty awesome.
15th-Aug-2014 07:04 am - Tunics and Shield Cover [dagorhir, sewing]
Fabric Rainbow
I'm a bit behind so I'm going to post a couple projects that I've finished.

First up is a tunic for one of my Furya guys.

There was actually two of these, one without the blue on the shoulders.

I also did a shield cover for Jon, before we were dating.

This started out as a t-shirt. It took a little bit of creative cutting and sewing to get it to fit around the shield, but I managed it. I'll do the next one differently, since I now have a better idea how to do round shields.
14th-Aug-2014 09:03 pm - Nails: Black Texture [nails]
Rainbow Paint

I love the pixie dust line of nail polishes. I suspect that eventually I'll have them all. It never fails that I wear the texture down to almost smooth because I spend so much time rubbing my fingers over the nails.

Zoya Dahlia
I've managed to spend a bit of time on this despite working a convention this past weekend, but not a lot,

Everything is in a state of chaos these days since I'm in the middle of a move. So far things are being nice and we're able to amicably divide the things, so hopefully I'll be renting a truck soon and just hauling all the boxes over at once.


Wait for Me by Elisabeth Naughton. I haven't had much time to read, but I manage a little here and there.
Queen Mab
Sometimes we need the chance to get things off our chest while knowing that we won't be judged. Sometimes we need to talk to somebody just to get things straight in our own head. Sometimes we just want to share a thought with somebody.

Here's your chance.

Comments are screened and anonymous posting is allowed. Tell the box anything you need to get off your chest or out of your head. If it's something you want to discuss further, leave a way of contacting you.

Secrets come here to die. What's posted here is simply between you and I. I won't even contact you about it unless you ask me to.

The Confessional Box is now open.
11th-Aug-2014 11:40 pm - Demons Lie [apis / lynn, jon, lj idol s9, relationships]

“Forever alone”

That thought alone kept me locked in place, frozen in fear. I believed you see. I bought the bull of nobody loving me.

It was said only to scare me, to keep me close.


I didn’t want to be, but it was the only way to get attention. Besides, I liked the touch, the pretty words, the feeling of being wanted.

It was said to shame me, to keep me from straying.

“I love you”

I was scared. He said it first. What if he didn’t mean it? What if it was just a momentary touch of insanity.

I already loved him and I didn’t want to lose him. I’d already fallen down that hole. We weren’t just friends with benefits, I’d play that part but he already held my heart in his hands.


It was a peaceful sound. A glance in his eyes and I could see the truth of his words.

I nodded. Forever sounded wonderful.

It hasn’t been easy, and it’s likely to get a bit harder in some ways. But I’m past the scare quotes. I no longer allow fear and shame to rule me. I laugh and giggle, I make silly faces, and I live rather than exist.

I’m loved for who I am, despite all the pain of my past. He’s wonderful and I’mma keep him. Forgive me for a bit of inside baseball there, but it’s what we do.

11th-Aug-2014 09:28 am - The Houston Con [con, jon, weekend report]
Thursday Jon and I took Nox Puppy over to noevilliveon's home for an extended stay. Nox begged Jon to take her with us before she begged me. On the plus side, she's bonding with him. Then we headed over to Lynn's so that I could pick up a few more clothes, as well as things for the dance at the con. Finally we were off to the hotel.

The room was lush and amazing. Jon took a quick shower while I sorted out some of our things and then we went down to scout out where we needed to jump in with the set up. I set some of my volunteers to labeling the tables and making sure that was done correctly. Naturally the second vendors see the dealer's room doors open they're jumping to try and load in. Never mind that I'm trying to rush so that they can do so and the constant questions are slowing that down.

I will say I've managed the art of delegation this time around. Or Jon has; sometimes I wasn't sure who handled what between the two of us. I do know he handled a lot of the issues with overselling tables in the dealer's room before it got to me and he was good about grabbing people to help move things / deal with people before I was ever overwhelmed. I also had Cammie, Champion, and Zach who were fantastic about jumping in and helping out as needed, Champion was even willing to take over the shift changes a couple times as well as open the dealer's room on Sunday so Jon and I could sleep in a bit and have a leisurely breakfast.

The con overall was low on attendance and low on problems. Gaming seemed to be doing well though, as there was not a lot else to take in. I posted several pictures from Friday and Saturday, as well as the dance on Sat night, over on FB.
I set up somebody to handle the volunteers for the later shifts and we headed out around 1pm. Both Jon and I were looking forward to the quiet of home.

Between being with somebody who is an active partner and being far less emotionally invested, the weekend was quite low stress. I handled my job duties but I hung out with friends, laughed, went to the dance, had a couple drinks, and just had fun in general.

Today I'm tired just from being around so many people for so long, two weekends in a row. But I'll likely recover rather quickly this time around.
6th-Aug-2014 09:49 am - Zzzz [con, lack of sleep, life]
Bring out Your Dead
I'm not going to say my schedule has been a little crazy ... but Jon tried to take my laptop away from me at least twice last night because he was afraid it would slide off my lap and hit the floor when I fell asleep.

I feel like a plate spinner and I just keep going in circles, giving each plate a spin to keep it moving.

Wednesday is the DragonBall Z movie. Thursday kicks off the con. Last night I decided that I 'had' to do Jon's tabard before the con so he could wear garb one day and be fully turned out. This is of course crazy. I asked Jon to talk me down off the crazy ledge. He agreed, until he heard it was something he'd been wanting. So much for one of us being responsible. :laugh: Truly, if I don't get it done he won't be upset but it's a nice goal.

I'm also trying to update the website with the dreamcatchers and price them since we're short on funds. I 'may' even be open to commissions for them again, for a short while.

I should sit down and write out a list of commissions to organize things better in my head.

I'd rather sleep. Maybe I can sleep in a bit on Tuesday, for sure next Thursday.
Create 2
I ... managed maybe one row? Apparently I've been a little busy.


I managed a lot more on the socks while I worked MechaCon and watched Guardians of the Galaxy.

I decided, possibly impulsively, that I wanted Jon to have his tabard before Thursday so he can wear it to the con and be my bodyguard. We'll see if it actually gets done.


Wait for Me by Elisabeth Naughton. I haven't gotten very far in this. Working a day job plus 2 conventions seems to take far more time than I planned on.
Crying Inside
Because you know there had to be more.

Wednesday of last week Lynn came up to work to pick up my check for deposit. He took my car to fill it up with gas, run it through the carwash, change the oil, and add more coolant. When he returned, with news of the reservoir splitting, he kept trying to get me to skip practice that evening. I finally went down to the parking lot to see what his deal was. He said the car was overheating, no duh, and he was concerned about me trying to add coolant to it as I might burn myself. He informed me that he'd seriously considered just hiding my car so I couldn't leave for practice until he was satisfied that the car was cool enough.

He considered hiding my car to keep me from driving to see friends.

He doesn't understand why this bothers me. He sees nothing wrong with his threat.

I swore I'd be safe and if it felt too hot then I wouldn't attempt to open the radiator to put more coolant in. He finally left and I went back to work.

Thursday, I had trouble opening the radiator so I called him. Rather than him telling me how to open it, he wanted Jon's address to come over and do it for me. Jon almost fell for it simply because he isn't worried about Lynn being a creeper. I stopped him because I didn't want to deal with Lynn in person before my trip and I didn't want him to decide to just show up for whatever reason. I finally got it figured out though.

On the drive Lynn messaged me to say he'd gotten an offer letter from an interview and his first day was the 18th. I posted a congratulatory thing to facebook. He was angry that I did that, that I would share his private life like that. Words were said. I talked to Jon a bit about it and suddenly the concept of move in for a week to test the waters seemed unnecessary. He suggested that sooner would likely be better if Lynn was going to be that unpredictable and angry. I agreed and we began making plans to move things up.

Saturday Jon asked why we were waiting until Tuesday to go see Guardians of the Galaxy. I pointed out that for one I was going to be tired and needed to get work clothes together for Tuesday and Wednesday ... unless ... if Lynn was willing to bring some clothes to practice on Sunday and hand them over to Jon. So I messaged Lynn to ask if he was free to talk, despite it being 1am, he was. (Love how he stays up super late but always said that I kept him from going to bed.) I walked him through the specifics that I wanted. I also told him to keep the Tuesday after next free so that we could go separate the bank account (something he'd mentioned days before that we should do) as well as figure out what to do with the cell phones.

It can't be a conversation with Lynn without me crying, of course. So he had to ask if I was going to come home Monday to see my four legged fuzzy girl since she was wandering around, looking for me. She was beginning to wonder if I'd ever come home to see her again. I naturally teared up as I do every time I think about being a bad puppy mommy. Then I hear Miss Kid ask if I'll come home because she misses me. Right in the godsdamned feels. Lynn asks if I'll "at least talk to Miss Kid since she's standing here, begging to talk to you." I broke. I said no, I had to go, I'd talk to him later.

I was never more glad to momentarily be alone in the room. I just sat and sobbed for a moment. I do feel bad. I feel like I'm abandoning Nox Puppy and Miss Kid. I didn't want to take Nox over full time if I was still spending several nights at the apartment with Lynn. I can't take Miss Kid with me and I try to stay away when she's there simply because he puts so much effort into making me cry. Let her have her time with him that doesn't involve me in tears.

I talked to Jon a bit more and he said he'd get the clothes from Lynn. Plans were rearranged and I did what I could to recenter my brain. On the way home on Sunday I called another friend and through talking to her, decided that Nox would likely be much better not being there. I talked it over with Jon and a plan was formed for Nox to come with me Monday evening (I was stopping by the apartment to get a couple things anyhow) and when we went to The Houston Con she'd go to Megan's until the following Monday. Either Jon or I will go by to pick her up. Megan agrees that Nox not being there when he's angry is likely a good thing.

Once I got home I called him again to see what we were going to do about him promising to take my car to the shop for the repairs. It was agreed that I'd switch cars with him on Monday evening when I got there. We'll switch back when I stop by on Thursday before the con.

Today I had to pull over because the car dinged red and there was smoke. While I was waiting for it to cool down I called him to let him know. He still hadn't taken Miss Kid home. He knew the reason behind the car going to the shop was because it was overheating. An intelligent guess would be that he couldn't use my car to take her home in thus he would need to do that before I got there. This did not occur to him. Frustrated I babied the car to the apartment. Lynn called her step father to come get her. Kid wanted to comfort me but every time I tried to explain that it wasn't her I started crying again, because I feel like a failure, like I'm abandoning her.

I tried to walk her out to the car but Lynn decided to shadow us there. He'd also made it a point to tell me he still cared about me and reached out for me. I side stepped the touch. Even knowing that this is the right thing, that I need out of there, it doesn't make it any easier. I feel like I wasn't good enough.

Lynn tried again after we packed the car with a few things I deemed important (sewing machine for garb, desktops / monitors, dreamcatchers to sell, ect). He told me that I was always enough for anybody that I wanted to be enough for and that he only wanted me happy.

Currently, I'm unpacked at Jon's. This is home. Nox is here, my computers are here, and Jon is here. He held me when I cried. He canceled his game, unasked, because he knew I was having a rough time of it and he wanted to be available for me. He put most of the stuff away. I had cookies and brownies and milk.

I don't fully have a plan for the next steps but there's something. I have people I can turn to for help though. My name has been removed from the lease. I'll have to spend a few nights at the apartment to pack things up properly and to sort mine from his but that's after the con. I believe I'll have to do some fundraising to fully afford the bulk of the move.

I suspect I'll always wonder what I could have done better or different, how I could have earned his love. But Jon loves me and never holds back on telling me or showing me. I feel wanted here,
4th-Aug-2014 11:46 am - MechaCon Weekend [con, happiness, jon, love, weekend report]
Thursday ... it feels like forever ago.

Jon helped me with the car a bit, putting coolant in because she's being bitchy again and split her reservoir so overheating ensues. Then, after the hardest goodbye I've ever had to deal with from a living loved one, I headed to New Orleans. I honestly don't think I've even been that upset at leaving somebody.

The drive was fairly uneventful. Quicklsilver was mostly happy at 70 and though she ran a little on the hot side, she wasn't anywhere near the red. I made it to the hotel and found Maria. We did a little bit of overview and getting up to speed while set up was going on.

Friday began the convention proper and the actual job. I like a lot of the system she uses so I'm already using it for mine, with a few changes. I really enjoyed meeting a lot of new people who feel like family and being on the inside of a well run convention. I managed to eat decently every single day as well as wonder through the attached mall, the vendor's area, and the artist's alley. I didn't make any panels but I did get some gaming time in.

This was the first con where I was attached, not allowed to play with the boys. And naturally, there was a boy. For a very long while my philosophy has been "why the hell not" and so I've pretty much done what I wanted, when I wanted, and with who I wanted. And I couldn't. I'd promised. Not that I've been great about keeping those in the past. After all .. "What happens at the con stays at the con." But I couldn't.

And waiting was so damn worth it. I felt like homecoming was more special. Being back in his arms was one of the sweetest rewards possible.

Sunday I cut out a little early. I tried to put more coolant in Quicksilver but she refused to allow her hood up so I cursed at her a bit and hoped for no traffic. I was mostly in luck and the speed was fairly consistent the whole way home. I had a nice long talk with a friend while driving as well as calling Megan to make sure the things I was plotting would be able to happen.

As I got closer Jon poked me a bit more often to check for updated ETA so he could be home from practice to greet me. And I still beat him home, but only by a minute or two. Best homecoming ever. He doesn't have a problem telling me he missed me so I got lots of affection. We went to dinner and he managed to talk me into going to see Guardians of the Galaxy. We'd planned to go see it Mon anyhow and well, he's persuasive. I'm glad though, we both really enjoyed it.

Back home I sorted out clothes, clean, dirty, and those for work. I called Lynn to make arrangements for the car to be taken to the shop. Jon laughed at me a bit as I did a little nesting, he finds it amusing that I'm claiming areas, mostly without asking. But the best part was the kisses and him holding me close. I love that he doesn't feel like less of a man if he shows me that he wants me close. Of course, he also shoves me away after a kiss and a giggle when he knows I have things to do.

Life is Happy. Jon is Love.
31st-Jul-2014 12:08 pm - Nails: Greens [nails]
Rainbow Paint

These are 2 of my new Zoyas. I love the thumb and ring finger, it's a gorgeous color, good coverage, and fairly durable. The other .. it has it's place. I suspect that place is not with me. It's very thin layering, pictured is 8 layers. I'm sure it's great for gradient, and I may try that another time. But it wasn't what I had in mind when I ordered it.

Zoya Giovanna & Frida
I'm finally working the beret in the round! I managed the first cables and so far I love how it's looking. I think it'll go a bit faster once I'm done with conventions now that I'm into the pattern section that makes sense.

Jon and I checked out Lucy this past weekend so I got more time on my socks. I love how the stripes just happen.


I think I played a bit on my Jedi and I'm pretty sure I played a little on my Smuggler. This sleeping in a different house almost every night is really messing with my gaming and sense of time.

I'm still in the the writing contest. The prompt this week was Checkov's Gun. I wrote Checkov's Knitting Needles and the poll is here. If you have a moment please vote for me.


Wait for me by Elisabeth Naughton. It's a silly love story but that's okay. Now that I can read them again it's nice to take a break and just have the fluff. It's particularly helpful when I've got so much else going on.
29th-Jul-2014 11:52 am - Dealing with Anger [emotions, jon, relationships]
Love Tree
In any new relationship I have to see how my SO deals with anger, with frustration, with things not going right. I have to know that I can deal with how they deal with their feelings. So many times in the past would trigger me and I just couldn't deal with it.

Saturday night Jon was angry because of work, with the people there and the way they were handling an issue. I knew he was angry before he came home to me. We'd talked when he'd called me to vent. While he was venting I never once felt that he was angry with 'me'. It was always clear he was upset with the situation.

When he got home he didn't ignore me or spread his anger around. He gave me hugs and kisses. He snuggled with me for a little bit before going to kill things on the computer. While he was on the computer he'd still pause to tell me "love you" or to blow a kiss. I never felt ignored or shut out. I never felt misdirected anger.

My back began acting up but I didn't say anything because I wanted to give him his space. I am obviously transparent to him though since he noticed and asked. I shrugged and said my back was bothering me. He finished the battle he was in and turned the game off. He came over and asked if he could help, which led to a massage that worked a good portion of it out.

Even when he was angry and wrapped up in his own problems ... he thought of me. He paid enough attention to me to see that I was hurting. I didn't stop existing just because the computer was on.

I can handle his anger, with no fear. That in and of itself is a relief. And all of it makes me love him more.
28th-Jul-2014 02:26 pm - Chekhov's Knitting Needles [fiction, lj idol s9]
No More Miss Nice Girl
Sara opens the beautifully wrapped package that Nana handed her. Nestled in the tissue paper is a pair of rosewood knitting needles. They are exquisite. The dark wood almost glows in the light and they’re a little warm in Sara’s hand.

“Nana, these are lovely but everybody knows I’m rubbish at anything crafty.”

“Nonsense dear.” She pats Sara on the leg. “I’m sure you’ll find a wonderful use for these.”

Sara sets the box aside and refreshes their iced tea from the pitcher.  The box is forgotten, until Sara is cleaning up later. She once more examines the needles. If only she could manage to wrap her head around just one crafty thing. The whole family is full of quilters, knitters, and artists. She always feels like the ugly duckling in comparison. With a sigh, she places the box back on the side table and continues cleaning.

Days pass, and the world moves on. There are reports of a serial murderer on the loose in the small town. Sara at first only pays minimal attention to it, sure that it’s not a big deal. After all, the news reporters get more viewers by exaggerating. But soon not even she can ignore the reports.

Sara is careful to be observant as she moves from work to car to house. She feels like she’s on constant alert. But constant alert never lasts, eventually we all grow complacent.

One evening, as she’s fixing dinner, there’s a knock on the door. Sara turns the heat on the burner down before walking to the front door. She double checks the chain lock before unlocking the dual locks below it. She peers through the narrow opening.

A man stands on her porch. His feet are muddy, but it’s been raining recently. His pale skin contrasts with his dark hair and eyes. His lips quirk in an apologetic smile. His eyes are breathtakingly beautiful. Mesmerizing you could say.

“I’m terribly sorry to disturb you.” His voice is a rich tenor, verging on bass. “My car and my phone both died on me. Could I possibly use your phone?”

“Oh, I guess so.” Sara feels like she’s dreaming as she answers.

“Thank you so much. Might I come in, just to take the chill off?”

“I … ye-es,” the word is drawn out, as though she is still not sure. She begins to close the door and it’s as though she’s suddenly fully awake. “No, I’m sorry,” she begins. But it is far too late.

A mist rushes through the narrow gap and suddenly the man is standing beside her. She looks up in terror and, though a monumental act of will, begins backing up. The man grins hungrily, his teeth look so sharp and pointy from this angle. He advances on her. Sara stumbles back, almost tripping in her fear. He stalks her, as though he is taking his time. She feels something bump her leg and she frantically feels around with her hands, afraid to take her eyes off her approaching doom. There is a rustle as her fingers brush tissue paper. She almost sobs in fear.

“Please, you are not welcome here. Go!”

The man laughs.

“It’s not that easy girl, never was.” He comes closer. Sara’s hand wraps around the two needles and faster than she thought possible she whips them up and stabs him in the chest. His eyes go wide for a brief second before she is showered with dust as he disintegrates. She stares at her hand holding the knitting needles. They once more appear to glow but it must be a trick of the light.

“I guess Nana was right after all.”
I Love You - Geisha
Jon worked late on Friday so the plan was for me to go back to the apartment and have dinner with Lynn, gather my things, and go to Jon's once he got home. He ended up getting off work early so I grabbed my clothes and the Nox Puppy and hurried to his place. Nox settled in almost instantly and took to Jon with no problems. I think she might even prefer him over me. :laugh:

We got some much needed snuggles as we'd both had a bit of a rough day. Nox was delighted to have a yard to romp around in. I suspect that had I allowed it she would have spent nearly the whole time out there. Eventually we collected the puppy and went to Megan and Samantha's. I was super excited to introduce Jon to my friends and to figure out what we're going to do about Houston String Theory. And Yay! Everything was positive. :glee:

Saturday morning we were snuggled up on Jon's couch and Nox jumped up beside me. She then walked across me to settle down in Jon's lap. I'm pretty sure I heard a sigh of contentment before she dozed off. She has most definitely accepted Jon and claimed him. Luckily he could continue to play his game with her there. We checked out Lucy at the theater and picked up a few groceries since he has bachelor fridge disease. With the amount of time I'm spending there I need more sustenance available than what we get in drive through.

Shortly after we went to work I packed up the Puppy and headed back to Lynn's. I had a little bit of sewing to do plus pick up a change of clothes, and dropping of Nox. I didn't want to leave her at Jon's while we went to practice on Sunday since it was still a new place. Plus I wasn't sure I'd be going back to Lynn's on Sunday.

Jon had a very rough time of it at work, almost to the point of quitting because of the crap. Lynn helped me finish some things up and I gathered everything together to head back to Jon's. Previously I've laughed about my phone autocorrecting Jon's to home. When I texted him to let him know I was heading back I sent "Heading home". Of course he had to give me shit about that because that's what he does. Though he also said I was welcome to call that home if I wanted. To me Home is Safe, he makes me feel Safe, therefore where he is is Home.

Sunday was practice. The heat ended up making me nauseous and gave me a headache so I sat out a few battles. Several of us ended up leaving a bit early to go eat. I can't even explain the feels I got when Jon asked if I was ready to go home. There is such a deep pool of contentment and happiness. Back at his place we cleaned a little bit before I got my things ready for the morning. This was the first time I left for work from his place and with nothing being where it 'belonged' I wanted to make sure it'd be a smooth morning.

This morning was hard. Getting ready was easy but leaving was hard. I really would have preferred to stay, warm and safe in his arms. I went to kiss him goodbye and he pulled me into a sleepy snuggle hug. I melt every time he does that. I dearly love that he snuggles closer and wants to be near me, even when he's not fully awake.

I had 3 days of bliss with him. Tonight is a final walkthrough for the hotel for The Houston Con. Tomorrow is packing since I'm driving out Thursday for MechaCon in New Orleans. It's going to be a struggle to not run off across town and ignore the responsibilities. I hope I'm incredibly busy during MechaCon so my mind stays busy.

I missed him before I turned off his street this morning.
25th-Jul-2014 09:06 am - First of Many ... Tunics [dagorhir, sewing]
Several weeks back at this point I finished a tunic for one of the unit leaders in my fighting group. There were two actually, but I can't find the pictures of the second one. No worries, it's just like the first but without the blue stripes on the shoulders.

I have since received commissions for 2 more so they'll be showing up soon. Though not before I get my new sewing machine and the binding foot because doing all that trim a step at a time? Not happening.

24th-Jul-2014 01:56 pm - Nails: Furyan Pride [nails]
Rainbow Paint

Given my promotion in the Furyan fighting unit with Dagorhir I wanted to showcase them a little on my nails. Perhaps someday I'll do the symbol but for now I just wanted to use the colors, navy and grey.

Revlon #907 Steel Her Heart
Sally Hansen #760 Tidal Rave
23rd-Jul-2014 02:03 pm - Getting Whiplash [apis / lynn, jon, relationships]
I spend far too much time confused.

Lynn was incredibly nice and didn't make a fuss over my paying for a new tire for Jon's car yesterday. Then when my car started throwing a fit he was happy to pay for 3 new tires for me. Given that 1 was separated internally and I have a trip to New Orleans scheduled this coming week I'm very grateful. I made sure to say thank you and tell him how much I appreciated it. I really do, being stranded on the side of the road is not my idea of a good time.

We were joking and something he said prodded a "fuck you" from me. He wasted no time in replying with a "Hell no" and "That's Jon's problem now". I tried to laugh it off, "You never had a problem with it before". He glared at me for a brief second, "Well, you work with what you have".

I should have been able to ignore it or come back with some glib retort. Hormones have the best of me this week though and I was gutted.

Later in Target I'm being silly and having fun. I'm being me, the me that Jon encourages. Lynn looks at me with annoyance and asks "How does Jon respond when you act like that?" "He loves me and loves that I'm silly." "Uh huh .. tell him there's a no return policy." Now I'm hurt and questioning everything I do because what if he's right and Jon gets tired of 'me'. I tell Jon about the no return comment and he replies with a silly joke about store credit, not knowing that Lynn's been pushing buttons to hurt me. I don't respond instantly like I normally do because it hurt so he follows up with a "love you". I tell him that it's bad timing and that his comment hurt, and why. He instantly apologizes and says he'll make it up to me.

Lynn vacillates between being helpful and being hurtful the rest of the night. He runs to the store to get rice for my lunches and then tells me I don't know how to cut fabric to fit over a weapon for the group. He cuts up the chicken for my lunches and then implies I don't know how to take care of Nox Puppy. I feel like I'm constantly on egg shells.

We heard about a friend going to the hospital, possible heart attack. The friend's wife is in another country and frantic for somebody to be at the hospital to keep her in the loop. Lynn offers to go. So now I have the apartment to myself ... and I very strongly consider just packing all that will fit into my car to take to Jon's after practice this afternoon.

We're looking at earliest I could possibly move would be 2 months. Though I'm spending 4-5 nights a week over there now. Even when not doing something together it's calm. He doesn't ignore me, I don't feel isolated, rather I'm at ease and we can do our own thing with occasional words of affection.

I'm just incredibly grateful that Jon understands when I'm emotional because of the crap Lynn pulls.
Create 2
I'm pretty sure 3 weeks for a hat band is kinda ridiculous. But I'm almost to the point of being able to pick up the stitches for the body of the beret.

Saturday I cast on for new stripy socks since we had a musical to attend and I have 2 conventions coming up. I've just gotten them past the toe increases so now they require no thought.


I actually had a bit of time for gaming this week, mostly because Jon and I created new characters to play together. This is Lo'ynn, a level 4 Sith Warrior.


Homeland by R.A. Salvatore. I've been getting very little reading in by just being so busy, mostly with Jon. 
Friday Jon came down sick so instead of going to Lynn's place to have dinner with him and Miss Kid, I headed straight to Jon's after work. Lynn was kind enough to drop off my laptop and clothes after his interview. I spent Friday evening cuddling Jon and making sure he was taken care of. We think it was just a short 24 hour thing since he was better Saturday and could get back to work.

Saturday I stopped in at Joann's since I needed fabric for my sash after my promotion. Back at the apartment I finished the trim on 2 tunics, sewed my sash, and fixed a ripped seam on my overdress. I also got my yarn sorted out for the next pair of stripy socks since we had a musical to attend that night as well as the 2 conventions coming up. After dinner I packed up the car for yet another overnight stay and we headed out to Miller. The show was The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas and I loved it! Kid enjoyed it too and we had a lot of laughs both during and after the show. Jon picked me up after the show was finished and we went back to his place.

Sunday we lazed around at his place. There was donuts and cuddling and watching DBZ Abridged. I finally gave up and had a nap, he did laundry and went to get a hair cut. We finally got showered and dressed to head out to practice. Practice was mostly enjoyable, some good fights. Lynn managed to make me cry at one point by going on about how I had abandoned Nox but she was adjusting. Rather than engage him or let him see me cry I just walked off. Jon caught up with me after I walked away to make sure I was okay, since I was actually crying, and to reassure me that I'm not a bad puppy mommy.

After practice we all went to Prince's Hamburgers. Miss Kid pulled me aside at one point and said she liked Jon, he was making me happy and taking care of me. She had previously said she was going to tell him he better be nice to me because she'd beat him up but said that she didn't think it would be needed. It's cute that she feels that way, means a lot, even if she is horribly unmatched.

All in all, despite the minor bump of that one incidence .. it was a good weekend, much happiness, and even a bit of future planning.
18th-Jul-2014 06:58 am - New Overdress [dagorhir, sewing]
I knew I needed a new overdress for Sunday when we dress up to kill our friends but I kept putting it off ... until the boning began poking through the outer layer. I made several modifications to this one though, a longer body, though next time I need to not make it quite so long. I also used far thicker outer fabric and the stiffest interfacing I could find. I added a couple bits of boning as well.

This is a close approximation of the face before heading into battle. I love how the bodice part cups and smooths without overly flattening. And with it so thick, it's even a bit of protection against the unavoidable chest hits.

I don't like how the skirt gathers at the waist here, which is why I'd shorten the bodice a little. I wish I'd known the straps weren't fully tucked in, but I've since removed them as the bodice stays up on it's own and allows for more freedom of movement. Being an archer who switches to sword and board when being charged does make that a necessary thing. I've also hemmed up the skirt portion a bit so the blue shows at the bottom again.

Overall though, I'm pleased with it and really enjoying how comfortable it is to wear, how it supports me, and how it protects me while in battle. I still get hit hard, but it's more tolerable with the thicker layer. Though if I continue to improve on the bow, they'll never get close enough to hit me. :grin:
17th-Jul-2014 11:47 pm - Nails: Watercolor [nails]
Rainbow Paint

This was not the intended result. But I became annoyed at yet another failed watermarble and threw something semi together.

China Glaze #1007 Turned up Turquise, #634 Frostbite, #567 Coconut Kiss
17th-Jul-2014 04:51 pm - Much Happiness [happiness, jon, relationships]
I Love You - Geisha
So much going on, with 2 back to back cons happening, a promotion in my fighting unit, and a lot of sewing work .. But I would be remiss if I didn't direct you to this bit of delightful happiness.

Relationship Update of Much Importance.
I swear I felt like I was getting nowhere on this. I have to look on the twisted stitches and half of each row are twisted so it's not reading knitting. And frankly ... I haven't had much time for knitting. See, there's this boy and he's distracting. Anyways ... I did a lot more than I thought I did.

Newly washed fabric waiting to be ironed to become tunics for 2 members of my fighting unit. I'm totally getting started on these Thursday, honest. I'd say tomorrow but that boy ...


Um ... did I mention a boy? Yeah, I think I played some on my smuggler but that's probably it. But, see, spending 2-3 nights a week at his place means I don't have my computer so I don't game.


Homeland by R. A. Salvatore. This I'm managing in bits since it's always with me and I can grab a bit here and there.
14th-Jul-2014 12:20 pm - Happy Weekend [weekend report]
Fire Dance
Friday I tried really hard to get some work done ... only to find out that I had no way to contact the volunteers for the con since that field had been stripped before getting sent to me. So I played more on my smuggler instead.

Saturday Lynn helped me wash the cars and then we hit up the pool for a little bit. I spent more time in Star Wars until it was time to go see my guy. I spent the night at his place and emotions were laid bare for both of us. And ... we agreed to closing the relationship. Sunday there was a love mark left on my neck and the very existence of it seems to piss Lynn off. I once asked him to do such a thing, to claim me as his, and he refused. He tried to come back later and do it and I refused. It won't happen, visibly, again, but this one moment felt very right, for myriad reasons.

Sunday I ran home to grab garb and Lynn since all our gear is in my trunk. Practice with this delicious secret and just being happy in general was fantastic. I got some fantastic shots with the bow and arrows. The tournament was after practice and I got stupid. I was up against somebody I didn't consider a threat ... and when he got a shot on me I was thrown off what little game I had. My Guy said he would help with that though.

It was a good weekend with lots of happiness. Things are looking brighter. :grin:
10th-Jul-2014 09:55 pm - Nails: 4th of July [nails]
Rainbow Paint

Color Workshop Red
Spoiled #S025 Ants in my Pants
Zoya Song
Milani #523 Blue Flash
Confetti #011 Wedding White
Revlon #340 Stunning
9th-Jul-2014 01:49 pm - I'm the Friend Pimp? [apis / lynn]
All Mad Here

I had a date type thing last night with a friend that I'm not dating but like hanging out with. Clear as mud I'm sure. Either way I didn't feel that it was Lynn's business to know who I'd be seeing, what we'd be doing, or where we would be. I don't feel like having the argument that I'm sleeping with somebody if the person happens to be male or why won't I set him up if the person is female. Plus he gets nastier if he believes me to be in any sort of relationship where I might have somewhere to turn.

I got home at 2am. I did not wake him, I was very careful to not do so. The dog woke him to go out because she is in the habit of waking him rather than me. It worked out though because I could talk with him to adjust our normal morning routine of waking at 4:30 for my medication and then again at 5 for breakfast, and again at 6:50 to get dressed for work.

As I was eating breakfast I got a cramp. I'd had it before, in the back of my thigh, extending up into the base of my butt muscle. Sunday when it happened at fighter practice I simply lunged a little less and it worked itself out. This morning I couldn't move and my leg was quickly going to sleep because of it. I finally broke down and asked him to help with it, noting that he would have to touch quite a bit higher, but I couldn't do it myself.

He's been doing my shoulders for me since I carry all my stress there and they've been locking up like crazy, as well as my feet since they often cramp, no matter what shoes I wear.

He stood at the foot of the bed and stared at me for a moment.
"I need permission to touch you."
"I just gave it to you, in the form of asking you to do this."
"No, like to tweak your nipple or touch your asshole when I need to ... I don't want to be accused of touching you inappropriately."
"That's a giant blanket permission for things that are not needed when I have a cramp in my thigh."
"Then do it yourself, you can reach it."
"My hands are unable to do that right now because of the bruise and the soreness in my hands. Please, just help me get my thigh to stop cramping."
"Ask whoever your spending the night with to do it."
"What? It hurts 'now'."
"You never help me."

I know what this is in relation too. I never made friends 'for' him and I never brought home girls for him to sleep with. It's the argument that we've had so many damn times I could have it in my sleep.

"It's not my job to find friends for you." He's pissed now. He's doing that rage heavy breathing and pacing at the foot of the bed. Before he can start I continue.
"It's not! And I did find friends for you, you turned them away. You have to read social cues and treat people nicely. I've tried to explain social cues to you and you call me a liar. You can't pick up a book in the middle of a conversation and tune out. You can't expect them to only talk about what you want to talk about when you want to talk about it. You have to do give and take. And it's not my place to bring home girls for you to fuck. You need to consider people as people, outside their gender."

"No. I've tried to help you and you always call me a liar. Like when you refused to ask the HR person at Baker what hours you'd be expected to work, or when I read from the TDOT site when you're supposed to put on your turn signal, which, by the way, is law, not something I made up just to screw with you. Nothing I say is ever good enough for you. Hell, if you ask me what time it is you look at your watch to verify what I just said."
"I do."
Nox had crawled up into my lap by this point and the cramp had finally released it's grip so I laid down to grab a couple more minutes with her.

Later, while I was getting dressed something was said about self confidence and people being sure of their abilities.

"Why would you want to be around somebody like that?"
"Because people that have no confidence are constantly having to prove themselves and they make everybody around them begin to self doubt. People who know they are skilled in x ability don't have to prove anything, they just 'are'."
"But they're jerks!"
"People of a certain age can know that they know something and not have to constantly shove it in people's faces, so they're not jerks and they're fun to be around. Besides, my confidence about knowing I was good at some things is part of why you fell in love with me."
"You're good at many things."
"And you spent the last 6 years making sure I knew I wasn't good enough at anything or good enough for anybody. For the first two years of our marriage I had to constantly hear how good (2nd ex wife) was. No matter what I did it wasn't good enough for you. I bought you gaming books and you wanted this other one. I became your slave for 4 days by your birthday request and afterward you informed me that there was no point in living because you'd never be happy again. It didn't matter what I did, what I said, or how I acted it was never enough and I'm done trying to be good enough for you. I've had more depressive episodes with you than I ever did with D (the guy who beat me for 3 years) and even with him I never considered death as an option. You've brought that out in me, you've done all you can to destroy me, I'm tired of it and my friends are tired of seeing me thrown to the brink while you sit back and watch what you've wrought."
"I'm sorry for any pain I may have caused you."
"No, you're not. You're mad that I'm calling you on it."

I don't understand his reasoning. I'm not trying anymore. I'm just documenting. Despite it all, due to the company of last night, the fighter practice tonight, and more time with my friend afterward ... I'm happy. I'm not letting him get to me.


This is currently a slightly frustrating project because I have to check the row every single time even though it's only a 2 row repeat. One rows the knits are through the back loop, the other row the purls are through the back loop. I still haven't managed to guess correctly. But's a lovely pattern and will look pretty in this Irish yarn.


With this past week being Double Experience in Star Wars ... I kinda lived there for a couple three days. But I did surface a bit on Sunday to restart XCOM since I realized I'd not kept the tech up to date enough to continue to triumph over the aliens.


Homeland by R.A. Salvatore. I'm enjoying the look into a race that has often been overlooked in my gaming adventures.

Sometimes we need the chance to get things off our chest while knowing that we won't be judged. Sometimes we need to talk to somebody just to get things straight in our own head. Sometimes we just want to share a thought with somebody.

Here's your chance.

Comments are screened and anonymous posting is allowed. Tell the box anything you need to get off your chest or out of your head. If it's something you want to discuss further, leave a way of contacting you.

Secrets come here to die. What's posted here is simply between you and I. I won't even contact you about it unless you ask me to.

The Confessional Box is now open.
7th-Jul-2014 09:33 am - Star Wars Weekend [swtor, weekend report]
It was double xp weekend in SWTOR. That was good since I wasn't really allowed to leave the house anyhow.
6th-Jul-2014 10:53 pm - Confessions from the Chair [fiction, lj idol s9]
Shut up Voices

I hear her crying and I want to comfort her. She calls for him, for her husband, but I’m inert and can not move.

I’m her favorite. There was never a question. When she sat and knit for long hours she chose me. When it was time to curl up with a good book I was the one she came for. When he proposed to her I was there. I was there for her through flu, cold, tears, and happiness.

He passes through the house in a haze of grief. Her funeral was only last week. People have been in and out, several have cried in my embrace. I miss her so.

Should I be telling you this? I mean, it’s his grief and his story, but I don’t think he sees me. I’m just a chair after all.


It’s been a month. A ball of yarn appeared on my cushion. It was in the basket next to me. He blames the cat. The cat ran off last year. It’s her favorite brand of yarn. She’s trying to communicate with him.


I was moved last night. I’m not sure how she managed it but she did it. I think she’s getting stronger. She says she’s cold, so cold.

He only noticed when he tripped over my leg. I tried to apologize but I have no mouth. He kicked me when he righted himself. It wasn’t my fault.

If I could have I would have shown him the book she left on the cushion for him: The Frozen Wastes.


He found the book. It’s been a couple days but he happened to see it when he passed by. He sat on me, I assume to look at it. She left him a present through. He was stabbed by a knitting needle as he sat. He didn’t sit long.

I think he blames me. He muttered something about “stupid chair” when he walked off.

He scowls at me when he passes by.


She left him another message. Another book, they did love their books. They used to talk to each other in book titles. It’s how they first fell in love. Save Me was the book she left. I don’t think he’s understanding.


Another book today, two actually, Help me and Frozen Wasteland. He looked scared when he found them.


I heard him on the phone today. He’s talking about getting rid of me. I don’t want to leave here. She put me here and I’d like to stay. I remember how the sun used to come through the window and turn her hair to gold. I want to stay here with my memories of her.


He brought a friend over, they’re moving me. I don’t wanna go outside, it’s cold and I’ll mildew! Please take me back inside. I like being by her bookshelf of favorites. Look, there’s the indents where my feet go. If you could just put me back that would be nice.

I’m outside. The pile of wood in front of me makes me shiver. It should be built into something, not just dumped there.

They’re lighting the wood. I really don’t like that. It’s good wood. It would like to be something. A nice table perhaps.

Wait, where are you taking me? No! Please stop! I’m not supposed to be in the fire. Please! Save me!


“I’m sure you’ll feel better now Joe. Best thing for possessed things is to burn them.” Chuck clapped his buddy on the shoulder as they watched Mary’s favorite chair become engulfed in the flames.

“I feel like I’m losing her all over again. Wait … is that, I saw her face in the flames!” Joe lunges forward and almost trips headlong into the fire. Chuck grabs him and yanks him back. He leads his friend to the lawn chair and gently pushes him into it.

“Dude, have another beer.”

Neither one sees the fire shift closer.

3rd-Jul-2014 07:13 am - Nails: Polka Dots [nails]
Rainbow Paint

A twist on a classic.

Sally Hansen #340 Cinna-snap
Confetti #001 Wedding White
I finally finished the body of the sweater! I'm still waffling on the length of the sleeves but I think they'll go fairly fast, provided I put time into them.


I've been spending a lot of time in Star Wars, mostly on my Jedi Vinlora, though she hasn't gotten new gear in a while so she still appears the same. I've also been spending a lot of time in XCOM.


The Long Walk by Stephen King. It's a re-read but it's comfort reading. I don't have to pay too much attention since it's an oft visited world.
30th-Jun-2014 08:52 am - Weekend [weekend report]
The weekend consisted of a lot of Star Wars.

I also finished a shield cover for a unit mate and hemmed up my overdress.

Sunday was fighter practice where I found that I don't actually need straps on my overdress. Both ripped but the overdress stayed exactly where it needed to be and functioned as needed, plus I had more freedom with my arms.

So, Star Wars, a bit of XCOM, sewing, and fighting.
26th-Jun-2014 12:22 pm - Nails: Pixie Dust [nails]
Rainbow Paint

One of my mainstays of color combos. I'd be willing to say I've not only done this before but also in these colors / polishes.

China Glaze Stone Cold
OPI Can't Let Go
I had a lot of time to work on this and I'm so close to the finish. I'm ready to switch to the smaller needle and begin the ribbing but sadly, I don't have the next size down. I'll have to stop in at the knitting store today at lunch and pick one up. I suppose I could have switched to the dpns and done the sleeves but I don't like the dpns I have and I didn't want to do that while the bottom was still on the needles.

Since I've been unable to continue the sweater I picked up my socks again. I prefer to save these for walking or shopping times though so I've been spending a lot more time in game these days.


I've been spending a 'lot' of time in the game since I've been a little paused on knitting. The first one is Krillaro Scath, a level 33 Mercenary that Miss Kid claims and plays as completely evil. She's pretty much the only toon that's played on the weekends Miss Kid is with us, I handle the combats and travel, she choses which missions and the conversation choices. The second one is my Jedi Sage, Vinlora. She's currently level 27 and I've been spending quite a bit of time with her and my friend so we're blasting through most of the missions.


Scarlette by Davonna Juroe. I'm not completely clear on the direction of this story so far but it is an interesting take on the traditional Little Red Riding Hood and I'm enjoying it.
24th-Jun-2014 03:52 pm - Death for All! [dagorhir, lj idol s9]
Bite Your Legs Off

The sky is a typical Texas blue, the one photographers hate. It’s a brilliant robin’s egg blue and not a cloud to be seen. The unrelenting sun bakes us where we stand. We are lined up, two lines facing each other. We could be kids playing Red Rover. We laugh and joke between ourselves, playfully taunting the other line.

“Ready?” A rumble of agreement is the only response.

“Lay on!”

The faces change, determination and ferocity lines each face. The focus of each person is narrowed to the person across from them. The lines close on each other, shields raised and swords readied. Smacks and thuds fill the air as swords slam into blocking shields or enemy bodies.

I pull back on the arrow I have readied. That tight focus is my friend right now. Spotting somebody paying a little too much attention to his opponent, I target and fire. I pause long enough to make sure of my aim. Score!!! I got him right in the face! He shakes his head and raises his hand to his forehead, out of the battle for now.

There is a solid hit across my shoulders and I’m down. I’d been paying too much attention myself and somebody got around our line to get me from behind. Laughing I raise my own hand to my forehead to signify I’m dead. I wander the battlefield, giving wide berth to swinging swords, and retrieve my arrow.

“Is that all of them?”

“Form it up!”

We line up again. I spot my friend on the end of the opposing line. I can tell from his stance he’s going to run. The word is given and we begin again. He sees me watching so he doesn’t charge me. Two of my teammates engage him and I swing my arrow to a new target. Right in the shoulder so he’s out too. Oh crap!

My friend has managed to kill one of my teammates and slip around the other. He’s headed straight for me. I hurriedly draw back the arrow and aim. There’s no way in hell I’m going to make this shot. It’s only my second time using a bow ... and first time in battle. As I release I’m already crouching down to grab the sword and shield at my feet.

Perfect shot to the chest! He stumbles a little, possibly in amazement. We both grin. I grab another arrow and redraw. There! I take out the arm of another guy and my teammate easily kills him.

Eventually, after several more battles, we all drift toward the shade and water. The 90 degree heat is nothing to trifle with. We sit, joke between ourselves, and drink heavily of the water. Somebody provides a watermelon and we eagerly cut into it, sharing the pieces around.

There are many more battles this day, both before this one and after. Previously we’d been lined up on either side of a fort gate, attackers versus defenders. During the breaks there’s also sparring between various people as we test each other’s offense and defense.

Eventually my ride says he’s calling it and we begin packing things up. It’s all too soon and yet I’m worn thin. I walk the area and make sure all our weapons, shields, and extras are gathered together as he walks out to where the car is parked. I say my goodbyes. I can’t help but be pleased at how many people say it was nice to fight with me or compliment me on my archery, more so when they hear how new I am at it. I even get a kiss on the head from my charging friend and he tells me it was a perfect shot.

My ride and I settle in for the 2 hour drive back to Houston. Tired seeps through my body, but so does contentment.

“I gotta say, you killed it with that bow today!”

I beam. “Was only second or third time to use it, I’ll get better.” I settle my knitting in my lap and continue where I left off that morning.

“You did incredible.”

This is why I keep going out and getting hit. This is why I have bruises up and down my arms and legs. I’m getting better though, blocking more often, getting the kill in sooner. I’m accepted here and encouraged to improve. I sometimes huff and puff my way back to the line to start, particularly when the heat is high. Which, to be honest, is about 7-8 months out of the year since I’m in Texas. But I’m feeling the strain less and seeing the improvement. I’m learning new skills that, looking at me, you wouldn’t think I have interest in.

And beneath it all, these are my friends. We’re silly and dress up. We hit each other with foam weapons. We “kill” each other time and time again on the field. And then we help each other up, grab a dropped shield, or help collect arrows before heading back to the line to start over again.We go out to dinner and talk about gaming, movies, upcoming events. Speaking of dinner, I don’t have a shred of guilt over the loaded baked potato and soda I indulge in after practice. It tastes of delicious victory.

Edited to add: Here's a link to video taken one of the recent Sunday practices. You'll even spot me in a bright blue dress and black over dress.

23rd-Jun-2014 09:36 am - Fighting Weekend [dagorhir, weekend report]
Pen / Sword
Friday night spent nearly the whole night in Star Wars with Miss Kid and her bounty hunter.

Saturday I was up early to head to Uncle's house. I loaded all my weapons in his car and we were off for the Pangaea site in Bastrop.  It was a nice drive out with some good conversation and once there I got to meet a lot of foam fighters. We sat around and chatted for a bit before getting moving and having some battles. I was far better suited to archery in this set up so I got a bit of time to practice that, and got some compliments as well. :grin:

After getting home late Saturday evening I logged into Star Wars again for Miss Kid. I logged out when I realized I was dozing off during the load times.

Sunday we slept in a bit and then went to fighter practice. Not as many people showed up since several were still at the event at Pangaea and others drove up to Ohio for Ragnarok. But it was a good practice with lots of back and forth.

It was a very active weekend with so much fighting, plus ab workouts. But I also found time to finish the bulk of the sweater knitting as well as game. Though I did manage to get sunburned on my arms and my face, but my face has already lost most of the red.
I hate poetry and yet when I'm blocked it's all I can seem to write.Collapse )

I wrote the above about 3 weeks ago.

I'm not okay. I'm not fine. I say I am because to say otherwise makes people sad and that just pushes me once more toward that sea of salt tears I seem to be sailing these days.

I'm bottling 'everything' up. I'm pretty sure I'm losing my mind in several directions.

I haven't been sleeping. Stress makes that nearly impossible. Nightmares also aren't helping. And now I have even less desire to sleep ...

Trigger Warning: RapeCollapse )

I'm extremely low on loving, affectionate touch. Lynn is willing to hug me or hold me when I cry. I'm obviously not. I hold back when my friends hug me, no matter how much I love them. Because to let go means to start crying, every time at this point.

I let go a little this past weekend, because Austin is 100% safe for me. We know our lines and he doesn't push over them. He was very sweet and simply held me while I cried some of it out.

But it builds up so much, so fast at home. I wake up a ball of emotion and everything just piles on top.

So ... you really want to help me? Don't ask how I am. It's so damn hard to lie all the time. Give me reasons to stick around. Projects are hard as hell for me to work on sometimes because "Holy gods above and below don't wanna get out of bed" but it's something. It's a reason to move. It's somebody counting on me to get something done. It's something to do besides sit in my own head and go over and over how miserable I am.

I told a friend last week that I couldn't talk because to talk about it makes it real and I can't deal with it being real. I don't want to deal with it being real but my capacity for pretending it didn't happen is no longer available. 
Create 2

I'm incredibly enamored of how this is looking and how fast it's knitting up. I feel like I made a ton of progress on it this past week, though I knit very little today. I spent the day sewing. This is probably the best picture of the color and the cables that I've gotten.


This is two pictures of Emmli S'Shadow, a cyborg gunslinger. I created another character on Star Wars. I really wanted to play evil, since my dark side character is waiting for Scott. But I didn't want to play dark side, so I created a smuggler, which is light side, and she's picking evil every chance she can. You can already see the changes in her complexion and eyes due to her shift to dark side, the first picture was taken Sunday at level 8, the second last night at level 12.


Darkspire Reaches by C. N. Lesley. This is ... and interesting book. I don't really believe some of the magic mechanics or the reasoning behind actions taken but I'm trying to suspend belief and simply enjoy it.

Apparently I'm in a foul mood today. I think this was accomplished the second time Nox woke me up by barking at the window.

My eye is still acting up and I'm trying to sew tiny lines on a tunic that just matches up with the edging. There's zero decent lighting in the apartment. As much as I despise electric cords and lights hanging from the ceiling, I'm thisclose to doing something like that just to have some sort of light that doesn't point to the ceiling in this stupid apartment. I've steamed my fingers on the iron enough times now that I'm thoroughly sick of it.

It didn't help last night that the sewing machine ate a whole wad of thread and jammed up ... twice. Apparently Lynn bought craft thread which is just a hair too thick for a machine. Him buying the wrong thread doesn't actually bother me, it happens.

I miss this weekend. I miss talking to somebody who gets why lighting is important, why deadlines matter, why pride in your finished project is needed.

I miss being able to see for as long as I want. I miss adjusting instantly to changes in light. I miss a lack of burning in my eye.

I'm feeling rather claustrophobic at the moment and I'm just done with it all. I feel like everything is waiting on something else and I have no control over any of it.

And if he doesn't stop playing that damn online game and look for a job I'm going to test just how well "He needed killin'" will get me out of murder charges. I'm at home because I'm scheduled off. I'm still working on things that will get me paid, that will be added to my crafting portfolio, that will showcase what I can be commissioned for. I'm taking breaks because my health is forcing me to. When I have my work done I'll play. That's how things work damnit!
16th-Jun-2014 10:29 am - Austin Weekend [road trip, weekend report]
Friday I had the car packed and waiting. It was just a matter of if my eye would allow me to travel or not. I sat in the car after work waiting to see how much I could adjust to the light. Wed night I scratched my cornea so I'd been wearing glasses and having problems with light and using my eyes. Not that stopped me from going to work and staring at computer screens for as much as I could in between pauses to give my eyes a break. I finally decided I'd be able to make the trip and texted those I needed to let know.

It was a hard trip with the random watering and aching but I made it; only had to pull over once. I got to meet Skye and spend time with Ted. We spent most of the weekend on the couch watching movies and playing Star Wars, though we did also fit in a walk through Ladybird park and saw a bit of the ROT Rally. I napped here and there which tells you a bit about the stress I've been under as I typically don't nap. Ted also put up with a little melt down .. it's been a 'very' stressful week.

Sunday I took my time getting things together. The drive home was easier on the eyes which is good. I prepped my fabric for the tunics I promised my unit leader so they're somewhat marked for cutting, I needed an additional measurement. With the purchase of some matching thread today I should be god to go on getting them all sewn up tonight.

I'm very grateful that I have such a good friend who will allow me to randomly crash on his couch and reset my brain for a weekend.
14th-Jun-2014 11:13 pm - Monkey in a Barrel [fiction, lj idol s9, writing]
Mustnt Giggle

It’s dark and it smells like, well, a barrel full of monkeys. Fitting I guess since that’s where I’m at.

Everybody talks about how much fun a barrel full of monkeys is. I would have to presume that they have never been part of one. I mean, we’re packed in here like sardines and even though I can’t see I’m pretty sure there’s a fuzzy ass in my face. Well, now I know there’s a fuzzy ass in my face!

I’m not really the type to scream, fling poo, and cause general pandemonium but somehow I keep getting stuffed in these party barrels. Perhaps if people would stop requesting them for their birthdays and frat parties then I’d be able to spend more with my books. Of course, if there wasn’t a need for monkeys for said barrels then I suppose I wouldn’t be in the program.

See, most of the monkeys sign up for the chance to cause havoc and get away with it. We’re paid you see, mostly in bananas. I’m also paid in books. We’re not all uncultured degenerates after all.

There’s creaking and banging from outside. All the monkey’s caged in here with me scream in excitement. Well, excitement might be too strong of a word. They seem to scream at most anything really.

Light floods the barrel as the top is pried off. The monkeys scramble in a mass exodus and I’m carried along on the tidal wave. Finally free the monkeys scatter in all directions and the frat boys yell in delight. Sorority girls squeal in ear piercing shrieks. They actually are louder than the monkeys for a moment.

Beer is available in abundance and several of my fellow colleagues make a beeline for the plastic cups. I spot a bookcase and quickly head that direction. What a shame, there’s nothing here but cheap paperbacks and erotic skin mags. Well, at least from a higher vantage point I’m less likely to be assaulted in the melee.

The chaos below is overwhelming. Hairy missiles rocket around the room shoving food in their faces, guzzling the available drinks, and generally destroying everything in sight. The boys and girls in attendance laugh and point at the antics. One of them is even dancing with a monkey. A girl giggles as a monkey scales her back, the boys behind her laugh as her dress is pulled up as well.

I recoil as something is flung in my direction and lands with a splat on the wall beside me. The next shot is better aimed, or I’ve just bad luck, and it lands right in my face. Poo! I have poo in my eyes! Unthinking I grab for something to fling back and wipe my face off with the other hand.

I really must find another field of employment.

12th-Jun-2014 11:23 pm - Nails: Purple Holo [nails]
Rainbow Paint

Something something about inspiration ... Truth be told I'm tired and this was an excuse to use an untried polish. I like it though now I want to try the holo strips over black.

NYC #247 Prince Street, #274 Matte Me Crazy
Sally Hansen #440 In the Spotlight
11th-Jun-2014 06:56 am - WIP Wednesday: Sweater [gaming, knitting, reading, wip, writing]
Create 2
There's just something about this pattern that seems to kind of fly along. Perhaps it's the thicker yarn since I've been doing so many projects with lighter yarn. Or perhaps it's the cables or the almost endless stockinette. Either way I've found the perfect tv / game knitting as it requires only a little concentration when I get to the front panel.


I've been spending quite a lot of time in XCOM but I've also been playing on my Jedi Sage, Vinlora, with a friend. She just hit level 23 and finished off Taris. I picked up the nifty helmet and was glad to see her headcovering actually changed since it didn't with the headband she'd been wearing. I've also upgraded her robes.

The writing contest is still going strong. The most recent topic was a really hard one for me to write about but I managed a small thing. The post is No Bias Allowed and the poll is here.


Inferno by Dan Brown. I don't know that I believe any of what the author writes about how everything is connected, it feels quite contrived at times but it is fun to let go and simply wonder what if.
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