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Steadfast Love
I'd walk a 1000 miles, just for you.
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Accio brain!
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Originally posted: Feb 9, 2012

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Tierney L - Toirneach Kilt Socks - Jan 20, 2014
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25th-Jul-2014 09:06 am - First of Many ... Tunics [dagorhir, sewing]
Several weeks back at this point I finished a tunic for one of the unit leaders in my fighting group. There were two actually, but I can't find the pictures of the second one. No worries, it's just like the first but without the blue stripes on the shoulders.

I have since received commissions for 2 more so they'll be showing up soon. Though not before I get my new sewing machine and the binding foot because doing all that trim a step at a time? Not happening.

24th-Jul-2014 01:56 pm - Nails: Furyan Pride [nails]
Rainbow Paint

Given my promotion in the Furyan fighting unit with Dagorhir I wanted to showcase them a little on my nails. Perhaps someday I'll do the symbol but for now I just wanted to use the colors, navy and grey.

Revlon #907 Steel Her Heart
Sally Hansen #760 Tidal Rave
23rd-Jul-2014 02:03 pm - Getting Whiplash [apis / lynn, jon, relationships]
I spend far too much time confused.

Lynn was incredibly nice and didn't make a fuss over my paying for a new tire for Jon's car yesterday. Then when my car started throwing a fit he was happy to pay for 3 new tires for me. Given that 1 was separated internally and I have a trip to New Orleans scheduled this coming week I'm very grateful. I made sure to say thank you and tell him how much I appreciated it. I really do, being stranded on the side of the road is not my idea of a good time.

We were joking and something he said prodded a "fuck you" from me. He wasted no time in replying with a "Hell no" and "That's Jon's problem now". I tried to laugh it off, "You never had a problem with it before". He glared at me for a brief second, "Well, you work with what you have".

I should have been able to ignore it or come back with some glib retort. Hormones have the best of me this week though and I was gutted.

Later in Target I'm being silly and having fun. I'm being me, the me that Jon encourages. Lynn looks at me with annoyance and asks "How does Jon respond when you act like that?" "He loves me and loves that I'm silly." "Uh huh .. tell him there's a no return policy." Now I'm hurt and questioning everything I do because what if he's right and Jon gets tired of 'me'. I tell Jon about the no return comment and he replies with a silly joke about store credit, not knowing that Lynn's been pushing buttons to hurt me. I don't respond instantly like I normally do because it hurt so he follows up with a "love you". I tell him that it's bad timing and that his comment hurt, and why. He instantly apologizes and says he'll make it up to me.

Lynn vacillates between being helpful and being hurtful the rest of the night. He runs to the store to get rice for my lunches and then tells me I don't know how to cut fabric to fit over a weapon for the group. He cuts up the chicken for my lunches and then implies I don't know how to take care of Nox Puppy. I feel like I'm constantly on egg shells.

We heard about a friend going to the hospital, possible heart attack. The friend's wife is in another country and frantic for somebody to be at the hospital to keep her in the loop. Lynn offers to go. So now I have the apartment to myself ... and I very strongly consider just packing all that will fit into my car to take to Jon's after practice this afternoon.

We're looking at earliest I could possibly move would be 2 months. Though I'm spending 4-5 nights a week over there now. Even when not doing something together it's calm. He doesn't ignore me, I don't feel isolated, rather I'm at ease and we can do our own thing with occasional words of affection.

I'm just incredibly grateful that Jon understands when I'm emotional because of the crap Lynn pulls.
Create 2
I'm pretty sure 3 weeks for a hat band is kinda ridiculous. But I'm almost to the point of being able to pick up the stitches for the body of the beret.

Saturday I cast on for new stripy socks since we had a musical to attend and I have 2 conventions coming up. I've just gotten them past the toe increases so now they require no thought.


I actually had a bit of time for gaming this week, mostly because Jon and I created new characters to play together. This is Lo'ynn, a level 4 Sith Warrior.


Homeland by R.A. Salvatore. I've been getting very little reading in by just being so busy, mostly with Jon. 
Friday Jon came down sick so instead of going to Lynn's place to have dinner with him and Miss Kid, I headed straight to Jon's after work. Lynn was kind enough to drop off my laptop and clothes after his interview. I spent Friday evening cuddling Jon and making sure he was taken care of. We think it was just a short 24 hour thing since he was better Saturday and could get back to work.

Saturday I stopped in at Joann's since I needed fabric for my sash after my promotion. Back at the apartment I finished the trim on 2 tunics, sewed my sash, and fixed a ripped seam on my overdress. I also got my yarn sorted out for the next pair of stripy socks since we had a musical to attend that night as well as the 2 conventions coming up. After dinner I packed up the car for yet another overnight stay and we headed out to Miller. The show was The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas and I loved it! Kid enjoyed it too and we had a lot of laughs both during and after the show. Jon picked me up after the show was finished and we went back to his place.

Sunday we lazed around at his place. There was donuts and cuddling and watching DBZ Abridged. I finally gave up and had a nap, he did laundry and went to get a hair cut. We finally got showered and dressed to head out to practice. Practice was mostly enjoyable, some good fights. Lynn managed to make me cry at one point by going on about how I had abandoned Nox but she was adjusting. Rather than engage him or let him see me cry I just walked off. Jon caught up with me after I walked away to make sure I was okay, since I was actually crying, and to reassure me that I'm not a bad puppy mommy.

After practice we all went to Prince's Hamburgers. Miss Kid pulled me aside at one point and said she liked Jon, he was making me happy and taking care of me. She had previously said she was going to tell him he better be nice to me because she'd beat him up but said that she didn't think it would be needed. It's cute that she feels that way, means a lot, even if she is horribly unmatched.

All in all, despite the minor bump of that one incidence .. it was a good weekend, much happiness, and even a bit of future planning.
18th-Jul-2014 06:58 am - New Overdress [dagorhir, sewing]
I knew I needed a new overdress for Sunday when we dress up to kill our friends but I kept putting it off ... until the boning began poking through the outer layer. I made several modifications to this one though, a longer body, though next time I need to not make it quite so long. I also used far thicker outer fabric and the stiffest interfacing I could find. I added a couple bits of boning as well.

This is a close approximation of the face before heading into battle. I love how the bodice part cups and smooths without overly flattening. And with it so thick, it's even a bit of protection against the unavoidable chest hits.

I don't like how the skirt gathers at the waist here, which is why I'd shorten the bodice a little. I wish I'd known the straps weren't fully tucked in, but I've since removed them as the bodice stays up on it's own and allows for more freedom of movement. Being an archer who switches to sword and board when being charged does make that a necessary thing. I've also hemmed up the skirt portion a bit so the blue shows at the bottom again.

Overall though, I'm pleased with it and really enjoying how comfortable it is to wear, how it supports me, and how it protects me while in battle. I still get hit hard, but it's more tolerable with the thicker layer. Though if I continue to improve on the bow, they'll never get close enough to hit me. :grin:
17th-Jul-2014 11:47 pm - Nails: Watercolor [nails]
Rainbow Paint

This was not the intended result. But I became annoyed at yet another failed watermarble and threw something semi together.

China Glaze #1007 Turned up Turquise, #634 Frostbite, #567 Coconut Kiss
17th-Jul-2014 04:51 pm - Much Happiness [happiness, jon, relationships]
I Love You - Geisha
So much going on, with 2 back to back cons happening, a promotion in my fighting unit, and a lot of sewing work .. But I would be remiss if I didn't direct you to this bit of delightful happiness.

Relationship Update of Much Importance.
I swear I felt like I was getting nowhere on this. I have to look on the twisted stitches and half of each row are twisted so it's not reading knitting. And frankly ... I haven't had much time for knitting. See, there's this boy and he's distracting. Anyways ... I did a lot more than I thought I did.

Newly washed fabric waiting to be ironed to become tunics for 2 members of my fighting unit. I'm totally getting started on these Thursday, honest. I'd say tomorrow but that boy ...


Um ... did I mention a boy? Yeah, I think I played some on my smuggler but that's probably it. But, see, spending 2-3 nights a week at his place means I don't have my computer so I don't game.


Homeland by R. A. Salvatore. This I'm managing in bits since it's always with me and I can grab a bit here and there.
14th-Jul-2014 12:20 pm - Happy Weekend [weekend report]
Fire Dance
Friday I tried really hard to get some work done ... only to find out that I had no way to contact the volunteers for the con since that field had been stripped before getting sent to me. So I played more on my smuggler instead.

Saturday Lynn helped me wash the cars and then we hit up the pool for a little bit. I spent more time in Star Wars until it was time to go see my guy. I spent the night at his place and emotions were laid bare for both of us. And ... we agreed to closing the relationship. Sunday there was a love mark left on my neck and the very existence of it seems to piss Lynn off. I once asked him to do such a thing, to claim me as his, and he refused. He tried to come back later and do it and I refused. It won't happen, visibly, again, but this one moment felt very right, for myriad reasons.

Sunday I ran home to grab garb and Lynn since all our gear is in my trunk. Practice with this delicious secret and just being happy in general was fantastic. I got some fantastic shots with the bow and arrows. The tournament was after practice and I got stupid. I was up against somebody I didn't consider a threat ... and when he got a shot on me I was thrown off what little game I had. My Guy said he would help with that though.

It was a good weekend with lots of happiness. Things are looking brighter. :grin:
10th-Jul-2014 09:55 pm - Nails: 4th of July [nails]
Rainbow Paint

Color Workshop Red
Spoiled #S025 Ants in my Pants
Zoya Song
Milani #523 Blue Flash
Confetti #011 Wedding White
Revlon #340 Stunning
9th-Jul-2014 01:49 pm - I'm the Friend Pimp? [apis / lynn]
All Mad Here

I had a date type thing last night with a friend that I'm not dating but like hanging out with. Clear as mud I'm sure. Either way I didn't feel that it was Lynn's business to know who I'd be seeing, what we'd be doing, or where we would be. I don't feel like having the argument that I'm sleeping with somebody if the person happens to be male or why won't I set him up if the person is female. Plus he gets nastier if he believes me to be in any sort of relationship where I might have somewhere to turn.

I got home at 2am. I did not wake him, I was very careful to not do so. The dog woke him to go out because she is in the habit of waking him rather than me. It worked out though because I could talk with him to adjust our normal morning routine of waking at 4:30 for my medication and then again at 5 for breakfast, and again at 6:50 to get dressed for work.

As I was eating breakfast I got a cramp. I'd had it before, in the back of my thigh, extending up into the base of my butt muscle. Sunday when it happened at fighter practice I simply lunged a little less and it worked itself out. This morning I couldn't move and my leg was quickly going to sleep because of it. I finally broke down and asked him to help with it, noting that he would have to touch quite a bit higher, but I couldn't do it myself.

He's been doing my shoulders for me since I carry all my stress there and they've been locking up like crazy, as well as my feet since they often cramp, no matter what shoes I wear.

He stood at the foot of the bed and stared at me for a moment.
"I need permission to touch you."
"I just gave it to you, in the form of asking you to do this."
"No, like to tweak your nipple or touch your asshole when I need to ... I don't want to be accused of touching you inappropriately."
"That's a giant blanket permission for things that are not needed when I have a cramp in my thigh."
"Then do it yourself, you can reach it."
"My hands are unable to do that right now because of the bruise and the soreness in my hands. Please, just help me get my thigh to stop cramping."
"Ask whoever your spending the night with to do it."
"What? It hurts 'now'."
"You never help me."

I know what this is in relation too. I never made friends 'for' him and I never brought home girls for him to sleep with. It's the argument that we've had so many damn times I could have it in my sleep.

"It's not my job to find friends for you." He's pissed now. He's doing that rage heavy breathing and pacing at the foot of the bed. Before he can start I continue.
"It's not! And I did find friends for you, you turned them away. You have to read social cues and treat people nicely. I've tried to explain social cues to you and you call me a liar. You can't pick up a book in the middle of a conversation and tune out. You can't expect them to only talk about what you want to talk about when you want to talk about it. You have to do give and take. And it's not my place to bring home girls for you to fuck. You need to consider people as people, outside their gender."

"No. I've tried to help you and you always call me a liar. Like when you refused to ask the HR person at Baker what hours you'd be expected to work, or when I read from the TDOT site when you're supposed to put on your turn signal, which, by the way, is law, not something I made up just to screw with you. Nothing I say is ever good enough for you. Hell, if you ask me what time it is you look at your watch to verify what I just said."
"I do."
Nox had crawled up into my lap by this point and the cramp had finally released it's grip so I laid down to grab a couple more minutes with her.

Later, while I was getting dressed something was said about self confidence and people being sure of their abilities.

"Why would you want to be around somebody like that?"
"Because people that have no confidence are constantly having to prove themselves and they make everybody around them begin to self doubt. People who know they are skilled in x ability don't have to prove anything, they just 'are'."
"But they're jerks!"
"People of a certain age can know that they know something and not have to constantly shove it in people's faces, so they're not jerks and they're fun to be around. Besides, my confidence about knowing I was good at some things is part of why you fell in love with me."
"You're good at many things."
"And you spent the last 6 years making sure I knew I wasn't good enough at anything or good enough for anybody. For the first two years of our marriage I had to constantly hear how good (2nd ex wife) was. No matter what I did it wasn't good enough for you. I bought you gaming books and you wanted this other one. I became your slave for 4 days by your birthday request and afterward you informed me that there was no point in living because you'd never be happy again. It didn't matter what I did, what I said, or how I acted it was never enough and I'm done trying to be good enough for you. I've had more depressive episodes with you than I ever did with D (the guy who beat me for 3 years) and even with him I never considered death as an option. You've brought that out in me, you've done all you can to destroy me, I'm tired of it and my friends are tired of seeing me thrown to the brink while you sit back and watch what you've wrought."
"I'm sorry for any pain I may have caused you."
"No, you're not. You're mad that I'm calling you on it."

I don't understand his reasoning. I'm not trying anymore. I'm just documenting. Despite it all, due to the company of last night, the fighter practice tonight, and more time with my friend afterward ... I'm happy. I'm not letting him get to me.


This is currently a slightly frustrating project because I have to check the row every single time even though it's only a 2 row repeat. One rows the knits are through the back loop, the other row the purls are through the back loop. I still haven't managed to guess correctly. But's a lovely pattern and will look pretty in this Irish yarn.


With this past week being Double Experience in Star Wars ... I kinda lived there for a couple three days. But I did surface a bit on Sunday to restart XCOM since I realized I'd not kept the tech up to date enough to continue to triumph over the aliens.


Homeland by R.A. Salvatore. I'm enjoying the look into a race that has often been overlooked in my gaming adventures.

Sometimes we need the chance to get things off our chest while knowing that we won't be judged. Sometimes we need to talk to somebody just to get things straight in our own head. Sometimes we just want to share a thought with somebody.

Here's your chance.

Comments are screened and anonymous posting is allowed. Tell the box anything you need to get off your chest or out of your head. If it's something you want to discuss further, leave a way of contacting you.

Secrets come here to die. What's posted here is simply between you and I. I won't even contact you about it unless you ask me to.

The Confessional Box is now open.
7th-Jul-2014 09:33 am - Star Wars Weekend [swtor, weekend report]
It was double xp weekend in SWTOR. That was good since I wasn't really allowed to leave the house anyhow.
6th-Jul-2014 10:53 pm - Confessions from the Chair [fiction, lj idol s9]
Shut up Voices

I hear her crying and I want to comfort her. She calls for him, for her husband, but I’m inert and can not move.

I’m her favorite. There was never a question. When she sat and knit for long hours she chose me. When it was time to curl up with a good book I was the one she came for. When he proposed to her I was there. I was there for her through flu, cold, tears, and happiness.

He passes through the house in a haze of grief. Her funeral was only last week. People have been in and out, several have cried in my embrace. I miss her so.

Should I be telling you this? I mean, it’s his grief and his story, but I don’t think he sees me. I’m just a chair after all.


It’s been a month. A ball of yarn appeared on my cushion. It was in the basket next to me. He blames the cat. The cat ran off last year. It’s her favorite brand of yarn. She’s trying to communicate with him.


I was moved last night. I’m not sure how she managed it but she did it. I think she’s getting stronger. She says she’s cold, so cold.

He only noticed when he tripped over my leg. I tried to apologize but I have no mouth. He kicked me when he righted himself. It wasn’t my fault.

If I could have I would have shown him the book she left on the cushion for him: The Frozen Wastes.


He found the book. It’s been a couple days but he happened to see it when he passed by. He sat on me, I assume to look at it. She left him a present through. He was stabbed by a knitting needle as he sat. He didn’t sit long.

I think he blames me. He muttered something about “stupid chair” when he walked off.

He scowls at me when he passes by.


She left him another message. Another book, they did love their books. They used to talk to each other in book titles. It’s how they first fell in love. Save Me was the book she left. I don’t think he’s understanding.


Another book today, two actually, Help me and Frozen Wasteland. He looked scared when he found them.


I heard him on the phone today. He’s talking about getting rid of me. I don’t want to leave here. She put me here and I’d like to stay. I remember how the sun used to come through the window and turn her hair to gold. I want to stay here with my memories of her.


He brought a friend over, they’re moving me. I don’t wanna go outside, it’s cold and I’ll mildew! Please take me back inside. I like being by her bookshelf of favorites. Look, there’s the indents where my feet go. If you could just put me back that would be nice.

I’m outside. The pile of wood in front of me makes me shiver. It should be built into something, not just dumped there.

They’re lighting the wood. I really don’t like that. It’s good wood. It would like to be something. A nice table perhaps.

Wait, where are you taking me? No! Please stop! I’m not supposed to be in the fire. Please! Save me!


“I’m sure you’ll feel better now Joe. Best thing for possessed things is to burn them.” Chuck clapped his buddy on the shoulder as they watched Mary’s favorite chair become engulfed in the flames.

“I feel like I’m losing her all over again. Wait … is that, I saw her face in the flames!” Joe lunges forward and almost trips headlong into the fire. Chuck grabs him and yanks him back. He leads his friend to the lawn chair and gently pushes him into it.

“Dude, have another beer.”

Neither one sees the fire shift closer.

3rd-Jul-2014 07:13 am - Nails: Polka Dots [nails]
Rainbow Paint

A twist on a classic.

Sally Hansen #340 Cinna-snap
Confetti #001 Wedding White
I finally finished the body of the sweater! I'm still waffling on the length of the sleeves but I think they'll go fairly fast, provided I put time into them.


I've been spending a lot of time in Star Wars, mostly on my Jedi Vinlora, though she hasn't gotten new gear in a while so she still appears the same. I've also been spending a lot of time in XCOM.


The Long Walk by Stephen King. It's a re-read but it's comfort reading. I don't have to pay too much attention since it's an oft visited world.
30th-Jun-2014 08:52 am - Weekend [weekend report]
The weekend consisted of a lot of Star Wars.

I also finished a shield cover for a unit mate and hemmed up my overdress.

Sunday was fighter practice where I found that I don't actually need straps on my overdress. Both ripped but the overdress stayed exactly where it needed to be and functioned as needed, plus I had more freedom with my arms.

So, Star Wars, a bit of XCOM, sewing, and fighting.
26th-Jun-2014 12:22 pm - Nails: Pixie Dust [nails]
Rainbow Paint

One of my mainstays of color combos. I'd be willing to say I've not only done this before but also in these colors / polishes.

China Glaze Stone Cold
OPI Can't Let Go
I had a lot of time to work on this and I'm so close to the finish. I'm ready to switch to the smaller needle and begin the ribbing but sadly, I don't have the next size down. I'll have to stop in at the knitting store today at lunch and pick one up. I suppose I could have switched to the dpns and done the sleeves but I don't like the dpns I have and I didn't want to do that while the bottom was still on the needles.

Since I've been unable to continue the sweater I picked up my socks again. I prefer to save these for walking or shopping times though so I've been spending a lot more time in game these days.


I've been spending a 'lot' of time in the game since I've been a little paused on knitting. The first one is Krillaro Scath, a level 33 Mercenary that Miss Kid claims and plays as completely evil. She's pretty much the only toon that's played on the weekends Miss Kid is with us, I handle the combats and travel, she choses which missions and the conversation choices. The second one is my Jedi Sage, Vinlora. She's currently level 27 and I've been spending quite a bit of time with her and my friend so we're blasting through most of the missions.


Scarlette by Davonna Juroe. I'm not completely clear on the direction of this story so far but it is an interesting take on the traditional Little Red Riding Hood and I'm enjoying it.
24th-Jun-2014 03:52 pm - Death for All! [dagorhir, lj idol s9]
Bite Your Legs Off

The sky is a typical Texas blue, the one photographers hate. It’s a brilliant robin’s egg blue and not a cloud to be seen. The unrelenting sun bakes us where we stand. We are lined up, two lines facing each other. We could be kids playing Red Rover. We laugh and joke between ourselves, playfully taunting the other line.

“Ready?” A rumble of agreement is the only response.

“Lay on!”

The faces change, determination and ferocity lines each face. The focus of each person is narrowed to the person across from them. The lines close on each other, shields raised and swords readied. Smacks and thuds fill the air as swords slam into blocking shields or enemy bodies.

I pull back on the arrow I have readied. That tight focus is my friend right now. Spotting somebody paying a little too much attention to his opponent, I target and fire. I pause long enough to make sure of my aim. Score!!! I got him right in the face! He shakes his head and raises his hand to his forehead, out of the battle for now.

There is a solid hit across my shoulders and I’m down. I’d been paying too much attention myself and somebody got around our line to get me from behind. Laughing I raise my own hand to my forehead to signify I’m dead. I wander the battlefield, giving wide berth to swinging swords, and retrieve my arrow.

“Is that all of them?”

“Form it up!”

We line up again. I spot my friend on the end of the opposing line. I can tell from his stance he’s going to run. The word is given and we begin again. He sees me watching so he doesn’t charge me. Two of my teammates engage him and I swing my arrow to a new target. Right in the shoulder so he’s out too. Oh crap!

My friend has managed to kill one of my teammates and slip around the other. He’s headed straight for me. I hurriedly draw back the arrow and aim. There’s no way in hell I’m going to make this shot. It’s only my second time using a bow ... and first time in battle. As I release I’m already crouching down to grab the sword and shield at my feet.

Perfect shot to the chest! He stumbles a little, possibly in amazement. We both grin. I grab another arrow and redraw. There! I take out the arm of another guy and my teammate easily kills him.

Eventually, after several more battles, we all drift toward the shade and water. The 90 degree heat is nothing to trifle with. We sit, joke between ourselves, and drink heavily of the water. Somebody provides a watermelon and we eagerly cut into it, sharing the pieces around.

There are many more battles this day, both before this one and after. Previously we’d been lined up on either side of a fort gate, attackers versus defenders. During the breaks there’s also sparring between various people as we test each other’s offense and defense.

Eventually my ride says he’s calling it and we begin packing things up. It’s all too soon and yet I’m worn thin. I walk the area and make sure all our weapons, shields, and extras are gathered together as he walks out to where the car is parked. I say my goodbyes. I can’t help but be pleased at how many people say it was nice to fight with me or compliment me on my archery, more so when they hear how new I am at it. I even get a kiss on the head from my charging friend and he tells me it was a perfect shot.

My ride and I settle in for the 2 hour drive back to Houston. Tired seeps through my body, but so does contentment.

“I gotta say, you killed it with that bow today!”

I beam. “Was only second or third time to use it, I’ll get better.” I settle my knitting in my lap and continue where I left off that morning.

“You did incredible.”

This is why I keep going out and getting hit. This is why I have bruises up and down my arms and legs. I’m getting better though, blocking more often, getting the kill in sooner. I’m accepted here and encouraged to improve. I sometimes huff and puff my way back to the line to start, particularly when the heat is high. Which, to be honest, is about 7-8 months out of the year since I’m in Texas. But I’m feeling the strain less and seeing the improvement. I’m learning new skills that, looking at me, you wouldn’t think I have interest in.

And beneath it all, these are my friends. We’re silly and dress up. We hit each other with foam weapons. We “kill” each other time and time again on the field. And then we help each other up, grab a dropped shield, or help collect arrows before heading back to the line to start over again.We go out to dinner and talk about gaming, movies, upcoming events. Speaking of dinner, I don’t have a shred of guilt over the loaded baked potato and soda I indulge in after practice. It tastes of delicious victory.

Edited to add: Here's a link to video taken one of the recent Sunday practices. You'll even spot me in a bright blue dress and black over dress.

23rd-Jun-2014 09:36 am - Fighting Weekend [dagorhir, weekend report]
Pen / Sword
Friday night spent nearly the whole night in Star Wars with Miss Kid and her bounty hunter.

Saturday I was up early to head to Uncle's house. I loaded all my weapons in his car and we were off for the Pangaea site in Bastrop.  It was a nice drive out with some good conversation and once there I got to meet a lot of foam fighters. We sat around and chatted for a bit before getting moving and having some battles. I was far better suited to archery in this set up so I got a bit of time to practice that, and got some compliments as well. :grin:

After getting home late Saturday evening I logged into Star Wars again for Miss Kid. I logged out when I realized I was dozing off during the load times.

Sunday we slept in a bit and then went to fighter practice. Not as many people showed up since several were still at the event at Pangaea and others drove up to Ohio for Ragnarok. But it was a good practice with lots of back and forth.

It was a very active weekend with so much fighting, plus ab workouts. But I also found time to finish the bulk of the sweater knitting as well as game. Though I did manage to get sunburned on my arms and my face, but my face has already lost most of the red.
I hate poetry and yet when I'm blocked it's all I can seem to write.Collapse )

I wrote the above about 3 weeks ago.

I'm not okay. I'm not fine. I say I am because to say otherwise makes people sad and that just pushes me once more toward that sea of salt tears I seem to be sailing these days.

I'm bottling 'everything' up. I'm pretty sure I'm losing my mind in several directions.

I haven't been sleeping. Stress makes that nearly impossible. Nightmares also aren't helping. And now I have even less desire to sleep ...

Trigger Warning: RapeCollapse )

I'm extremely low on loving, affectionate touch. Lynn is willing to hug me or hold me when I cry. I'm obviously not. I hold back when my friends hug me, no matter how much I love them. Because to let go means to start crying, every time at this point.

I let go a little this past weekend, because Austin is 100% safe for me. We know our lines and he doesn't push over them. He was very sweet and simply held me while I cried some of it out.

But it builds up so much, so fast at home. I wake up a ball of emotion and everything just piles on top.

So ... you really want to help me? Don't ask how I am. It's so damn hard to lie all the time. Give me reasons to stick around. Projects are hard as hell for me to work on sometimes because "Holy gods above and below don't wanna get out of bed" but it's something. It's a reason to move. It's somebody counting on me to get something done. It's something to do besides sit in my own head and go over and over how miserable I am.

I told a friend last week that I couldn't talk because to talk about it makes it real and I can't deal with it being real. I don't want to deal with it being real but my capacity for pretending it didn't happen is no longer available. 
Create 2

I'm incredibly enamored of how this is looking and how fast it's knitting up. I feel like I made a ton of progress on it this past week, though I knit very little today. I spent the day sewing. This is probably the best picture of the color and the cables that I've gotten.


This is two pictures of Emmli S'Shadow, a cyborg gunslinger. I created another character on Star Wars. I really wanted to play evil, since my dark side character is waiting for Scott. But I didn't want to play dark side, so I created a smuggler, which is light side, and she's picking evil every chance she can. You can already see the changes in her complexion and eyes due to her shift to dark side, the first picture was taken Sunday at level 8, the second last night at level 12.


Darkspire Reaches by C. N. Lesley. This is ... and interesting book. I don't really believe some of the magic mechanics or the reasoning behind actions taken but I'm trying to suspend belief and simply enjoy it.

Apparently I'm in a foul mood today. I think this was accomplished the second time Nox woke me up by barking at the window.

My eye is still acting up and I'm trying to sew tiny lines on a tunic that just matches up with the edging. There's zero decent lighting in the apartment. As much as I despise electric cords and lights hanging from the ceiling, I'm thisclose to doing something like that just to have some sort of light that doesn't point to the ceiling in this stupid apartment. I've steamed my fingers on the iron enough times now that I'm thoroughly sick of it.

It didn't help last night that the sewing machine ate a whole wad of thread and jammed up ... twice. Apparently Lynn bought craft thread which is just a hair too thick for a machine. Him buying the wrong thread doesn't actually bother me, it happens.

I miss this weekend. I miss talking to somebody who gets why lighting is important, why deadlines matter, why pride in your finished project is needed.

I miss being able to see for as long as I want. I miss adjusting instantly to changes in light. I miss a lack of burning in my eye.

I'm feeling rather claustrophobic at the moment and I'm just done with it all. I feel like everything is waiting on something else and I have no control over any of it.

And if he doesn't stop playing that damn online game and look for a job I'm going to test just how well "He needed killin'" will get me out of murder charges. I'm at home because I'm scheduled off. I'm still working on things that will get me paid, that will be added to my crafting portfolio, that will showcase what I can be commissioned for. I'm taking breaks because my health is forcing me to. When I have my work done I'll play. That's how things work damnit!
16th-Jun-2014 10:29 am - Austin Weekend [road trip, weekend report]
Friday I had the car packed and waiting. It was just a matter of if my eye would allow me to travel or not. I sat in the car after work waiting to see how much I could adjust to the light. Wed night I scratched my cornea so I'd been wearing glasses and having problems with light and using my eyes. Not that stopped me from going to work and staring at computer screens for as much as I could in between pauses to give my eyes a break. I finally decided I'd be able to make the trip and texted those I needed to let know.

It was a hard trip with the random watering and aching but I made it; only had to pull over once. I got to meet Skye and spend time with Ted. We spent most of the weekend on the couch watching movies and playing Star Wars, though we did also fit in a walk through Ladybird park and saw a bit of the ROT Rally. I napped here and there which tells you a bit about the stress I've been under as I typically don't nap. Ted also put up with a little melt down .. it's been a 'very' stressful week.

Sunday I took my time getting things together. The drive home was easier on the eyes which is good. I prepped my fabric for the tunics I promised my unit leader so they're somewhat marked for cutting, I needed an additional measurement. With the purchase of some matching thread today I should be god to go on getting them all sewn up tonight.

I'm very grateful that I have such a good friend who will allow me to randomly crash on his couch and reset my brain for a weekend.
14th-Jun-2014 11:13 pm - Monkey in a Barrel [fiction, lj idol s9, writing]
Mustnt Giggle

It’s dark and it smells like, well, a barrel full of monkeys. Fitting I guess since that’s where I’m at.

Everybody talks about how much fun a barrel full of monkeys is. I would have to presume that they have never been part of one. I mean, we’re packed in here like sardines and even though I can’t see I’m pretty sure there’s a fuzzy ass in my face. Well, now I know there’s a fuzzy ass in my face!

I’m not really the type to scream, fling poo, and cause general pandemonium but somehow I keep getting stuffed in these party barrels. Perhaps if people would stop requesting them for their birthdays and frat parties then I’d be able to spend more with my books. Of course, if there wasn’t a need for monkeys for said barrels then I suppose I wouldn’t be in the program.

See, most of the monkeys sign up for the chance to cause havoc and get away with it. We’re paid you see, mostly in bananas. I’m also paid in books. We’re not all uncultured degenerates after all.

There’s creaking and banging from outside. All the monkey’s caged in here with me scream in excitement. Well, excitement might be too strong of a word. They seem to scream at most anything really.

Light floods the barrel as the top is pried off. The monkeys scramble in a mass exodus and I’m carried along on the tidal wave. Finally free the monkeys scatter in all directions and the frat boys yell in delight. Sorority girls squeal in ear piercing shrieks. They actually are louder than the monkeys for a moment.

Beer is available in abundance and several of my fellow colleagues make a beeline for the plastic cups. I spot a bookcase and quickly head that direction. What a shame, there’s nothing here but cheap paperbacks and erotic skin mags. Well, at least from a higher vantage point I’m less likely to be assaulted in the melee.

The chaos below is overwhelming. Hairy missiles rocket around the room shoving food in their faces, guzzling the available drinks, and generally destroying everything in sight. The boys and girls in attendance laugh and point at the antics. One of them is even dancing with a monkey. A girl giggles as a monkey scales her back, the boys behind her laugh as her dress is pulled up as well.

I recoil as something is flung in my direction and lands with a splat on the wall beside me. The next shot is better aimed, or I’ve just bad luck, and it lands right in my face. Poo! I have poo in my eyes! Unthinking I grab for something to fling back and wipe my face off with the other hand.

I really must find another field of employment.

12th-Jun-2014 11:23 pm - Nails: Purple Holo [nails]
Rainbow Paint

Something something about inspiration ... Truth be told I'm tired and this was an excuse to use an untried polish. I like it though now I want to try the holo strips over black.

NYC #247 Prince Street, #274 Matte Me Crazy
Sally Hansen #440 In the Spotlight
11th-Jun-2014 06:56 am - WIP Wednesday: Sweater [gaming, knitting, reading, wip, writing]
Create 2
There's just something about this pattern that seems to kind of fly along. Perhaps it's the thicker yarn since I've been doing so many projects with lighter yarn. Or perhaps it's the cables or the almost endless stockinette. Either way I've found the perfect tv / game knitting as it requires only a little concentration when I get to the front panel.


I've been spending quite a lot of time in XCOM but I've also been playing on my Jedi Sage, Vinlora, with a friend. She just hit level 23 and finished off Taris. I picked up the nifty helmet and was glad to see her headcovering actually changed since it didn't with the headband she'd been wearing. I've also upgraded her robes.

The writing contest is still going strong. The most recent topic was a really hard one for me to write about but I managed a small thing. The post is No Bias Allowed and the poll is here.


Inferno by Dan Brown. I don't know that I believe any of what the author writes about how everything is connected, it feels quite contrived at times but it is fun to let go and simply wonder what if.
Sometimes we need the chance to get things off our chest while knowing that we won't be judged. Sometimes we need to talk to somebody just to get things straight in our own head. Sometimes we just want to share a thought with somebody.

Here's your chance.

Comments are screened and anonymous posting is allowed. Tell the box anything you need to get off your chest or out of your head. If it's something you want to discuss further, leave a way of contacting you.

Secrets come here to die. What's posted here is simply between you and I. I won't even contact you about it unless you ask me to.

The Confessional Box is now open.
9th-Jun-2014 08:57 am - Crafty Weekend [sewing, weekend report, yarn]
Friday I made a quick run to JoAnn's for interfacing to finish up my overdress. I, of course, had to be escorted as I might get lost, apparently. Then he tried to drive past the store. :sigh: I spent the rest of the evening cutting pieces out and even got started on the sewing.

Saturday I was up and off to Ikea to meet up with some friends. Luckily I was able to handle that all on my own. One of my friends had visited Ireland and brought back yarn for me. I have wool from Ireland!

Back home I got to work on putting together my overdress. I managed to finish it, with several breaks for my back, that evening.

Sunday was fighter practice and at first the overdress was fantastic, protection, support, and looking good. Then apparently it remembered it was from a pattern that was supposed to be for looking pretty, not getting beat on. The lining split along a seam and I ended up taking it off to save it. But I got some nice pictures of it and I'll share them on Friday.
6th-Jun-2014 06:56 am - Jacob's Ladder [quilting, sewing]
This is block 5 for the year. I'm a little behind but that's no big.

I'm really pleased with most of my corners and how perfectly they lined up. 
5th-Jun-2014 01:07 pm - Nails: Blue Fuzz [nails]
Rainbow Paint

Not so fuzzy after I add top coat but I expected that.

KleanColor #11 Blue Pearl
Salley Hansen #700 Wool Knot
5th-Jun-2014 12:29 am - No Bias Allowed [lies, life, lj idol s9]
It’s so hard. He’s loving, he’s sweet, he tells me I’m incredible.

I want to believe. I want to believe that this considerate person is who he is. I want to forget all the pain and hurtful words.

And then, out of the blue, I’m reminded. It’s like ripping the wound open anew each and every time. He’ll say something and I’m thrown back to ‘then’. And I’m reminded that I’m not important to him, that I don’t matter, that I’m a pawn in this game he’s playing.

It’s not the recent behaviour that matters. That doesn’t wipe away the truth.

But I yearn so much to love, to be loved, that it’s so incredibly tempting each and every time. I want that dream. I want things to be right again.

And they never will be.
I really thought I'd been working on other things but it seems I was mistaken. I had a completed sock here but it didn't fit so I ripped out over half of it and started in again. I tried 2 sets of brand new needles but one was too long (at 10in) and the other was too short (at 8in) so I gave up and returned to my dpns. I had the man try them on again and he still couldn't get them over his heel ... so more ripping. :sigh: But now they go over his heel and I'm trying to make up for my lost work. I'm also making copious notes so the second one is much smoother.


I've been playing quite a lot of my Jedi Sage, and I'm rather annoyed that none of the updated pictures I've tried to grab lately have actually come out since they were during conversations. But she's currently on Taris, finishing up the bonus series so hopefully I'll be off to a new planet soon and new adventures.


The Weight of Blood by David Dalglish. Currently the writing is on the wall for the two brothers to turn on each other and I'm not more than 4 chapters in. The interesting part will be seeing if that continues or if there's another direction taken. 
2nd-Jun-2014 08:40 am - Low Key Weekend [dagorhir, weekend report]
Friday I spent a good portion of the evening in Star Wars.

Saturday I attempted to go to JoAnns only to find that they'd moved and left no forwarding address. So I spent the day watching movies and playing Star Wars before heading to Wolf's to fix his computer.

Sunday was fighter practice and I requested to join Furya's unit. I'm an applicant and fight with them. I have more bruises but I got compliments on assisted kills and defending the flag.
30th-May-2014 08:17 am - Rainbow Delight [knitting]
No matter how bad of a day I was having these always brought a smile to my face with their bright, cherry colors.

The yarn was a little problematic at times but I think it's well worth it for the finished project. I'm sure they'll be just as warm as they are comfortable.

Giant thank you to Sorcha for asking for them and picking such a fun and intriguing pattern. I'm still amazed at how closely I got them to match up, even with starting blind and rejoining yarn halfway through the second glove.

Pattern: Proposition - Entrelac Gloves by Julie Browne
Project page: Ravelry
29th-May-2014 01:30 pm - Nails: Silver Stripes [nails]
Rainbow Paint

A little basic, a little bling, and a classic combo for a comic weekend.

Rimmel  #602 Mirror
NK #000 Noir
28th-May-2014 07:16 am - WIP Wednesday: Shamrock Socks
Create 2
Friday I did a lot of knitting on the fingerless entrelac gloves, and then when I got home I ripped about half of it out. And it sat on my desk in time out all weekend. Instead, I took my mindless socks with me to the comic convention and worked on them while shopping and attending panels. I think they'll be done fairly soon. As for the gloves, I have less than 10 rows to do so I'll share pictures of them when they're done.


I really haven't had a lot of time to play. I did get my Sith up to level 22 so she will be waiting for Scott. And I did play a bit of XCOM on Friday, and lost the game so I'm starting over.


Gilded by Christina Farley & The Oz/Wonderland Chronicles Book One. I'm reading Gilded at work and when I'm out, Oz is at home. I find it annoying to read graphic novels in public these days because I go through them so fast. I'm not sure I'll pick up the others in the Oz series but perhaps, since I do love fairy tales. Gilded I just started today but it's an interesting premise so far.
27th-May-2014 09:28 am - Comicpalooza Weekend [con, weekend report]
Saturday morning I met up with my friend to pick up my badge from him and then I wondered around the dealer's floor. I started at one end and walked up and down each isle. It was rather nice to be able to stop and chat with my friends and catch up on them without feeling like I had to run off and handle things. It took 4 hours to walk the whole floor and by the time I was finished it was time to find some food. I grabbed a salad and took it to the 2nd floor balcony to enjoy the sunshine. Afterward I found the Dagorhir group and hung out with them for a bit. I found more friends on the 3rd floor in the gaming section. After catching dinner with them I headed over to the party thrown by a friend and had a good time chatting with people ... after I got to know a couple people and felt less shy.

The rest of the weekend was mostly just floating around, catching up with friends here and there. I made a couple connections for the fiber con in 2015. There was a ton of questions and talk about the upcoming Houston Con (formerly SCC) and my involvement. One friend who typically only sees me when I pop into the gaming room at cons was laughing at how often I was getting stopped with questions about the con. He said he finally understood why I hid out in the gaming room.

It was really awesome seeing my friends again, making new ones, and getting to spend more time with people I generally don't get much time with. I also have a new level of distaste for wives who are so jealous and suspicious they can't see straight. Really, if you're going to be that difficult and distrusting, why even bother being with somebody. It just reminds me that the next man in my life will have to be trusting and understanding that I have a lot of friends that I hug and say I love you to. Doesn't mean I'm going to jump their bones, heck, most of them I don't even think of that with them simply because that's not the lifestyle they choose to live.

All in all though it was a good weekend, good times with good friends.
The curious thing about this project is that I feel like I'm not making any progress at all, until I look at the picture from this week compared to last week. I'm almost on the last color repeat despite finding not one but two knots in the yarn and one of them completely reversing the color order. Good thing I requested extra yarn just in case this happened. I managed to match up the colors at the join almost exact enough that you can't tell where it is and the color order is preserved.


Most of my time has been in Star Wars playing my Sith to catch her up with Scott's bounty hunter. I'm almost there, plus I finished Balmorra tonight so I'll be able to move on to Nar Shadda. Friday I played a bit of Miss Kid's bounty hunter with her though the picture I tried to grab apparently didn't take. I'll have to get one next time. I also played a bit more Dungeon Siege III and XCOM: Enemy Unknown. I cleared the alien base on XCOM and decided that I'm done with Dungeon Siege III. There's almost no healing in the game and after 6 or 7 tries I was unable to get past the first battle where you're actually on your own. I have too many other games available to fight that for too long.

I wrote a thing, it's very personal, and I almost wasn't sure I'd share it. It's Distant? and the weekly poll, if you'd like to vote for me is here.


Grimm Fairy Tales Volume 2, Graphic Novel. I'm not terribly sure what I'll read next, novel wise. I wanted to take a bit of a break from heavy stories, plus I have a few graphic novels sitting on the to read pile and I may as well grab them. They're great for at home since the stories are generally bite sized. 
19th-May-2014 08:24 am - Weekend [weekend report]
Friday was quiet, I mostly spent the evening in Star Wars with Miss Kid.

Saturday I hung out with my boss and several of his friends at his housewarming party. Only a little twitchy a couple of times when I felt surrounded by people I didn't really know and it was loud. But fun and it's a gorgeous house.

That evening I went to Miller with Lynn and Miss Kid. They had a fun opera, Die Fledermaus, that was enjoyable, if a bit silly with the updated references to pop culture. I did have to get Lynn to back off a couple times because he kept trying to rush us. He was trying to pack up our drinks before the applause was finished and then wanted us to practically jog back to the car.

Sunday was fighter practice and that was good. I need my bi-weekly beating time.
15th-May-2014 07:02 am - Nails: Blue [nails]
Rainbow Paint

I'm feeling a tag bit uninspired these days.

NYC #296 Water Street Blue
KleanColor #11 Blue Pearl
So, you might be wondering why Shadow seems a bit quiet these days.

"Give up those dreams girl, you're too old to find love, you don't deserve it, and you'll never be a mother."

"You're not a forever girl, you're a here right now girl."

Yeah, these are echoing in my head nearly constantly, popping up over and over like a crappy meme on facebook. Add to that Lynn's out of a job. We've stayed married until one of us finds somebody else because of finances and health insurance. Now I'm the one supporting us on a lessened income since my hours were cut and I have no insurance. That means no thyroid medication or birth control when I run out, you know, the things that have stabilized me in various directions.

I had to bug him to file unemployment. He tried to tell me it wasn't working, that he needed information from random papers that he'd brought home. I filed for unemployment a month ago. I needed no papers. I didn't have issues with the actual filing. I've asked him daily about updating his resume because not only are people asking about it but he needs a new one to apply for jobs. He's very meh about the whole thing.

I'm freaking right the hell out because my income only is exactly why I couldn't just move on. How are we going to pay rent? Or electricity? Or buy food? I'm not saying we're dire at this point, but I'm following the natural path of what happens if he doesn't get moving on finding a job, bringing in some kind of income. Plus there's that stupid new car that he's got that will require payments on and now I'm responsible for that too.

Meanwhile, his therapy sessions are getting canceled since they were covered by his job. Seems to be just as well as the only thing he tells me about it is "I'm adjusting really well the the dissolution of our marriage". I call bullshit on that and suspect that he says nothing about how he talks to me, how he views his condemnation of me or my actions. I care not either way. But I see his head getting filled with more lies about how he's fine, he doesn't have fucked up views of the world and I flinch internally. I flinch for his daughter, for any woman who has to come into contact with him.

So, I'm living with a person who's negative and unmotivated to fix 'anything'. I'm looking at a return to scrapping by. I'm being asked daily, multiple times, about being intimate with him. I'm feeling shut in by mounting bills and expenses. I'm scared to death that my life, building a future with a family, with somebody who loves and adores me, who might want to try for children (be they 2 or 4 legged), is over. I'm getting the rug yanked out from under me in every direction possible these days, so it seems. I'm having panic attacks again and I'm twitchy from lack of sleep.

I don't expect this to change anything. I just need the voices in my head to shut up for a bit. I need some happiness, something to look forward to. And I need this damn cycle to end, for it to be killed once and for all.

It's damn tempting to gather up my things and just haul ass to anywhere but here, start a new life. But I can't afford to do that, even if I didn't have the Nox Puppy to consider.

I'm trying, really, really hard to find positive things. I swear I am. It's not anybody's job to fix this but mine. I just pray I'm not at the end of my rope this time.
I do love how fast these are going, though I seem to have slowed down a bit over the last couple days. My fingers are itching a bit to work on some of the other projects I have coming up. I am, however, thrilled that I could basically guess as to the starting location on the next skein and get it to match almost perfectly.


This is Jashell S'Shadow, my level 17 Sith Assassin. She's supposed to team exclusively with Scott's Bounty Hunter but he accidently grabbed a few levels during double xp so I'm catching her up to him. I very much love her look currently and can't wait to see what other options I get as she grows stronger. I'm rather glad I picked up the headband and switched it out for the helmet she was wearing as the head jewelry she wears is rather pretty. I did spend a bit of time on Vinlora, my Jedi and had a little trouble switching mindsets as Jashell is pure evil and Vinlora is quite the opposite.


The Dark Tower by Stephen King. This is the last in the series, as far as I know. On the one hand I want to rush through it and see what happens to all my friends. On the other I want to savor every word and make it last. I'm going to have so much trouble starting the next story after the end of this enormous world.
Sometimes we need the chance to get things off our chest while knowing that we won't be judged. Sometimes we need to talk to somebody just to get things straight in our own head. Sometimes we just want to share a thought with somebody.

Here's your chance.

Comments are screened and anonymous posting is allowed. Tell the box anything you need to get off your chest or out of your head. If it's something you want to discuss further, leave a way of contacting you.

Secrets come here to die. What's posted here is simply between you and I. I won't even contact you about it unless you ask me to.

The Confessional Box is now open.
Friday I drove up to Ft Worth to see Scott. There were big, giant hugs, many kisses, and repetition of "I've missed you" and they weren't all from me.

Saturday we were incredibly lazy and just snuggled in bed all morning. Finally I got up and left for the NJROTC reunion at the high school. On the way there I drove by the house I used to own and the house I grew up in. I feel like I have no idea where I'm going. I felt that I just needed a reminder of where I'd come from. I still don't know where I'm going, but I know I'm not happy with how things are.

The reunion was interesting. I'm still the outlier. They all have their families, their kids, ... most of them married somebody we went to school with. And then there's me, no kids, no family ...currently no future of such.

When I returned to Scott's we talked, redefined the relationship. It hasn't really changed for me since I wasn't expecting more. He got in his own head and blew things up so the talk helped calm him down, which is good.

Sunday we were up early since he had a con meeting to attend and I went ahead and drove home. I arrived in time to head to practice so a quick change and back into the car. And almost nobody showed for practice since everybody assumed that nobody would show for Mother's Day. We left a bit early since I was exhausted and over heating a bit, never a good combo.

Honestly I'm just kinda glad the weekend is over. Perhaps now I'll stop hearing about that day that I deeply, in my secret heart of hearts, believe I'll never have reason to celebrate, no matter how much I yearn for it.
8th-May-2014 07:15 am - Nails: Green Jewels [nails]
Rainbow Paint

I got a whole bunch of jewels in, all sorts of colors and shapes. I suspect we'll see quite a bit more of them.

Barielle # 5068 Decadence
Spoiled S046 Use Protection
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