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Steadfast Love
I'd walk a 1000 miles, just for you.
Struggling in the Dark 
22nd-Nov-2016 08:22 am [depression, feelings, lj idol s10]
Sometimes struggle is good, it invigorates and reaffirms the life within.

I don’t think I remember what that struggle feels like.

For months it’s been dark here.

I struggle to find the light. I struggle to find the motivation. I struggle to breathe at times.

Work has been problematic. I struggle to feel useful. It’s heavily implied that I’m not working enough, despite several co workers routinely taking breaks to play basketball with a trash can and nerf ball. When I tell the bosses about tech problems I am dismissed and told to stop looking for excuses to not do my job. One of my job titles is IT for the office. The doom patrol in my head tells me I’m nowhere near as smart as I’ve previously been told. It tells me I’m an imposter and I don’t deserve to have better, to be in charge of things, to move out of the lowest position in the office.

I’ve been looking for another job but the only responses I’ve been getting are scam jobs. I struggle to feel like I have value when day after day I get rejection notices, if I get anything at all. The doom patrol has to speak up then. It can’t let a chance go by to tell me that I’m under qualified and unskilled, that nobody sees me as an asset. I am positive that I bring nothing to the table.

Home is tiny and cramped. I feel like my brain is jumbled and running at triple time. There’s a huge list of craft things I want to do. Most get scrapped because either I’m missing things to complete it and it’s not worth bothering over or I’d have to dig through the piles of stuff to find all the pieces and then clear off space … it’s a hassle. I’m already exhausted and this is beyond overwhelming. I feel like I’m spinning in place, too many projects half started, too many in my head. I want to make things, to relax, to sell and supplement our income but the doom patrol sees this as futile. My creative ideas are stupid, nobody’s going to buy any of the ideas, my implementation is stupid, and really all I’m doing is wasting time, money, and energy. I’d be better off huddling under the blankets and praying that it’ll all just end.

I struggle to get up, to get dressed, to feel happiness. I feel like a wretch because I got married less than 3 months ago. I should be happy. He’s doing everything he can to make things better for me, to remind me that he loves me, no matter what. The doom patrol in my head keeps blocking it all out. I feel like I’m failing him. We’re going to counseling. So far the only suggestion to come out of it is to get a better job so we can move, so I have room, so I can wear clothing that’s not 15 years old. How do I do that when I can’t get people to call me back? Meanwhile I’m quite convinced that the pretty words he tells me are just lip service. He’s rather tired of me being broken, of me needing extra reassurance, of me spinning out of control when things don’t work out the way I thought they would and I have to make adjustments to my projects. The doom patrol tells me he doesn’t want to spend time with me, no matter how much time he spends with me. They tell me he puts on headphones for his games to shut me out even though I know it’s to keep me from being bothered by the sounds of his games.

There are moments where I think I might be able to see the light again and then it all comes crashing in on me once more. I try to wear the mask. I’m not Eeyore and I fear rejection, isolation. I’ve already had one friend stop talking to me when I admitted that I didn’t know what he could help with because I just wanted to stop existing. No worries though, mustering up the wherewithal to do anything about it is too much of a struggle. The doom patrol makes sure to remind me that there’s no point even bothering as when I tried years before I didn’t even do that right. The doom patrol is on top of everything, they make sure I know my place.

Some need a struggle to feel alive. This struggle of constantly fighting the doom patrol is wearing me down. Soon I will be nothing. I struggle to hold back the tears and fears; I hope they, or I, disappear.


22nd-Nov-2016 03:03 pm (UTC)
As someone who has struggled with these things myself, I can offer you some insight:

First, these feelings eventually do pass. Second, in addition to counseling, you can also look for a support group. Chances are, there's tons of them in your area. The beauty of being in a support group is that there are others to whom you can relate. And finally, concerning the work situation, sadly, there are many employees who are in the same situation. There's the employees who are favored and who get everything handed to them on a silver platter, and by contrast, those who are dumped upon. I've been the latter more times than I can count.

As far as the job search is concerned, you could try reputable job search sites such as Monster and a variety of others. Keep applying and you should hit pay dirt soon.

I hope it all gets better for you.
22nd-Nov-2016 03:07 pm (UTC)
I keep hearing that they pass and yet ... it's been years. I lose more hope the longer it goes on.

I'll look into the support group.

I have Monster, Career Builder, Indeed, ZipRecruiter, and Jobr on my phone so I can look for jobs. And I've gotten only 2 interviews in the last 3 months.
22nd-Nov-2016 03:21 pm (UTC)
Oh sweetie, don't listen to the doom patrol. Sometimes patience with work situations is hard, and you're stuck in the middle of that, but I know you're strong and can do it and it WILL get better.
22nd-Nov-2016 03:46 pm (UTC)
22nd-Nov-2016 03:35 pm (UTC)
Entry: Better. Much better. Much more honest, less "fluff".

Personal: Does Bregedon get to read this? I certainly hope so.

Now, think of this.....you KNOW who the Doom Patrol is. And you know they are consummate liars. And knowing this, you work hard on never taking anything they say seriously for longer than one heartbeat.

And....Wench's orders (don't make me PM him and double check that you've done this, cause you know I will)....make dinner, have a nice wine or whatever you drink, and have an honest talk with Bregedon about the Doom Patrol, and how they lie about your relationship.

Tell him how you KNOW he loves you, how he supports you, how he is there for you, but how *LOUD* the Doom Patrol can be when they tell you lies about how HE feels.....because, in reality, we never *KNOW* how someone else really feels until they tell us. We can assume all day long....but that's all it is, assumption.

Tell him that occasionally, for a heartbeat only, it feels so very *REAL*, because it is so very *LOUD*...but that you are working hard on making it last for that heartbeat only. And then make love to him. And believe it.

And someday, less than that heartbeat. And maybe, someday, we'll learn how to turn down the volume button.
22nd-Nov-2016 03:49 pm (UTC)
I'm glad the changes were good, I wibbled on it a bit.

Personal: Yes, he read both versions. And he knows but I think he's a bit at a loss as to what to do with me. So we both just kinda go quiet (until I don't).

As for the rest ... that's fairly complicated.
23rd-Nov-2016 12:25 am (UTC)
*huggles* This was well written/thought out... it was poignant and raw... also, of course, I hurt for you because I am well aware of this Doom Patrol... and I know they can be insistent and relentless... I'm so sorry. I wish I could tell you how I drown them out, but I know it's a distinctly personal situation. You aren't alone... and the Doom Patrol are notorious liars... and thieves, as they steal the best parts for themselves... Keep fighting.
29th-Nov-2016 06:25 am (UTC)

I'm so sorry that you even know what the Doom Patrol is. I wish nobody had to deal with them.

Thank you.
23rd-Nov-2016 04:10 am (UTC)
29th-Nov-2016 06:25 am (UTC)
23rd-Nov-2016 05:26 pm (UTC)
Hugs....Sending best thoughts your way...
The Doom Patrol sucks.
29th-Nov-2016 06:26 am (UTC)
Thank you. I'm trying to keep fighting them, just often a stalemate.
26th-Nov-2016 05:42 pm (UTC)
I wish, like the others, I had useful suggestions for you. I will say this. When the doom patrol makes you question your husband's love for you, remember that he loved you and wanted to marry you knowing you and these issues, as you loved him and married him with all his issues. Believe him when he tells you he loves you.
29th-Nov-2016 06:27 am (UTC)
I try. I've just been wrong so many times before and I really don't want to be wrong about him loving me this time. Too much bad history that isn't about him. :/
28th-Nov-2016 12:21 am (UTC)
I've been away so long, relying on snippits I was getting elsewhere to keep up with people and it's just not working...I had wondered at the silence of some of you, and here I am finding this...
I'm sorry you're struggling here, and I know so well how much of it feels myself. *hugs* All I can tell you is to always keep talking about things, even when it's hard, because once you stop, the silence eats everything and the imagination takes over completely.
You've never been unworthy.
29th-Nov-2016 06:29 am (UTC)
I hid. It's what I do. I hide behind silence and occasional pictures, hoping to misdirect. Don't feel bad, years of practice here.


Thank you so much.
29th-Nov-2016 03:41 pm (UTC)
I understand the hiding, too. It is good you have written this, and acknowledged how you feel in words on "paper".
30th-Nov-2016 02:50 am (UTC)
Sometimes I feel myself hiding but the apathy is so strong that I just let it happen. And sometimes I can't tell if I'm hiding or just recharging from too much.
29th-Nov-2016 01:49 pm (UTC)
Hugs. I don't want to just send platitudes but I do what you to know that you matter. Keep going! You'll get there!
29th-Nov-2016 02:23 pm (UTC)
:hugs: Thank you
29th-Nov-2016 03:39 pm (UTC)

I have been where you are. I don't know if words help at all, but I hope that you find a way up.

Edited at 2016-11-29 03:40 pm (UTC)
30th-Nov-2016 02:53 am (UTC)
I'm trying to stay looking forward. The holiday season both helps and hurts.

30th-Nov-2016 01:40 am (UTC)
Gosh, I'm so sorry you're going through this-- and if I remember correctly, last year was tough too.

That you call it the "doom patrol" is a good sign, I think. If you can keep it as a sort of external entity that wants to bring you down, it may be easier for you to ignore. The doom patrol will ALWAYS have its two cents, but it isn't always right and frankly... you do not owe it the courtesy of listening. Even if it comes from within.

Please keep fighting it!
30th-Nov-2016 02:58 am (UTC)
Yeah, it's kinda been a rough few years. I think that's part of why it's so hard to just keep fighting. I need a break.

Hopefully working with the councilor will help too.
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