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Silence in the Dark 
7th-Feb-2017 03:36 pm [depression, life, lj idol s10, pain]
Mask
It’s too much. My brain can’t handle it.

That’s the only explanation that I can come up with. My brain keeps shutting down, blanking out. Either somebody will direct something toward me or something deep in the recesses of my darkened thought paths will spark and I realize I was stalled.

There’s just too much.

There’s the current political climate and all the fear that goes along with that, particularly when I see people who hate all that their office stands for being put in positions of leadership. There’s fear of being a woman in this world. There’s fear of what happens when all the good laws are being dismantled and trashed.

There’s the lack of money to do anything to better my situation. I can’t get interviews so I can’t get a job that pays more. I can’t take less because … I really don’t know how the hell we’re paying bills as it is. I can’t function in our 290ish square feet of home. I’m drowning in things and stuff. I have plans to make things from the supplies I have (and thus get it out of our space) but there’s so much stuff just … there. Which, if I say something then there’s hurt feelings. Yes, you cleaned a shelf and that’s helpful. But it doesn’t change that there’s still laundry to put away and a pile of dirty clothing plus a pile of fabric and two cubbies of stuff that needs to be sorted through so it will stop oozing thready goodness onto the floor for the cat to roll in. It doesn’t change that I don’t have a bathtub to soak away my pain in. It doesn’t help that I don’t have a kitchen to create in. I'm still stuck with a shower stall and a crockpot / microwave combo … and no room to add anything else.

There’s grief, so much damn grief. I don’t dare allow myself to feel the grief. I’ll never stop crying. Two beloved animals and two family members gone in eight months. Two of those lives I could see the end of, it was expected that eventually after a long life it would happen. Two of those were lives cut tragically short. I’m going to work to keep my mind busy during the day, to give me ways to clamp down the urge to cry. But it’s exhausting. By the time I get home I’m wrung out and limp. I look around at the clutter and the sheer amount of plans … and my brain goes dark. I sink into it.

The dark is so comforting. There’s nothingness. There’s quiet. Sometimes there’s Borderlands or hours of digital shows streaming. There’s nothing to require me to think, to feel, to process.

I nudge myself. There’s twitter, which is all political, on purpose. There’s facebook, a mix of politics, silly, friends, and family. I poke at both, trying to muster up the energy to care, to be active, to do something. It’s too much, overwhelming in the amount of feelings and fear. So I turn back to Instagram, my stream of yarn, delicious looking deserts, and rainbow hair pictures. It was my happy place. Now it’s just my this hurts less place. I close my mouth, no comments uttered.

I’ll come up out of these dark depths at some point. But right now it’s taking everything I have just to keep my head above water. If I open my mouth I just might drown.


*This is not intended as a cry for attention or help. I'm just a writer with a prompt working through some stuff, as you do.*
Howls 
7th-Feb-2017 10:04 pm (UTC)
There are many in your same situation, so don't think you're the only one who experiences circumstances like this. *hugs* I hate to see you endure so much in so little time, as I don't like seeing anyone in my social circle suffer. Right now, many in my circle are having all kinds of difficulties, and it's hard on me to witness it all.

I don't know what to suggest, but do keep in mind that I include you still in my prayer candle rite.

*hugs you tight*
9th-Feb-2017 03:32 pm (UTC)
Thank you. :hugs:
7th-Feb-2017 10:16 pm (UTC)
*I* totally relate to 99.9% of this.

All I have to give is a virtual *hug* and to send you good thoughts and prayers.

9th-Feb-2017 03:34 pm (UTC)
I'm so sorry that anybody relates to it. Sometimes I wish that nobody else understood because they didn't have to experience it.

:hugs: Thank you.
9th-Feb-2017 09:48 pm (UTC)
Shared pain is divided; shared joy is multiplied.

Just *knowing* that I'm not the only one, helps.

J
8th-Feb-2017 12:47 am (UTC)
no words, just hugs. **hugs**
9th-Feb-2017 03:45 pm (UTC)
:hugs:
8th-Feb-2017 04:05 am (UTC)
I relate on a lot of levels. Hugs.
9th-Feb-2017 03:45 pm (UTC)
:hugs:
8th-Feb-2017 04:59 am (UTC)
<3
9th-Feb-2017 03:57 pm (UTC)
<3
8th-Feb-2017 01:07 pm (UTC)
Hugs...
9th-Feb-2017 03:57 pm (UTC)
:hugs:
9th-Feb-2017 07:49 am (UTC)
The positive is at least your character (you?) is aware of the problems that need to be addressed. So many don't even know why they feel that sense of malaise and unbalance, so they still have to do all the work to get to this level. Then, if they have the time, energy and motivation, they get to begin on how to fix it!
9th-Feb-2017 03:59 pm (UTC)
it's all non fiction, so ... yeah, me. :(

I know better jobs, more income would fix a lot of the home level stuff, physically. But how to do that when I can't get call backs I haven't a clue.
10th-Feb-2017 05:07 pm (UTC)
You are in such a difficult, depressing situation. I hope things change for you. I'm so sorry for the deaths. This is an awful lot to bear.
10th-Feb-2017 05:11 pm (UTC)
And more bad news yesterday, my father was admitted due to several small heart attacks. He's doing good, hoping to be released today but ... man, I need less heart wrenching bad news for a while.

Thank you so much for reading.
10th-Feb-2017 05:44 pm (UTC)
I am extremely sorry to hear about your father. I hope his recovery goes well.
13th-Feb-2017 03:49 am (UTC)
I completely understand why you're so overwhelmed, and that last paragraph describes it so well.

You have been through unimaginable pain recently, and there is nothing you owe anyone besides your family other than to survive it and somehow keep going on. It will hurt less in time, but for now you must find the strength to endure-- whether that's yarn or silly cat pictures or just hugs. <3
13th-Feb-2017 02:39 pm (UTC)
I just keep focusing on the getting through this minute. So far it's working. <3 :hugs:
13th-Feb-2017 09:35 am (UTC)
That's pretty close to how I feel. Hugs!
13th-Feb-2017 02:39 pm (UTC)
I'm so sorry you're experiencing it too. :hugs:
14th-Feb-2017 06:43 pm (UTC)
I understand. I wish I could do more than send hugs and sympathy.
14th-Feb-2017 06:45 pm (UTC)
:hugs:
15th-Feb-2017 12:00 am (UTC)

I couldn't stay away from writing about the current political climate this week either. I find comfort in the rallying cry of so many communities coming together to do the work.

15th-Feb-2017 04:22 am (UTC)
It doesn't go away these days.
15th-Feb-2017 09:59 pm (UTC)
I can sympathize. It seems so unfair that all of this is happening, but hang in there.
15th-Feb-2017 10:00 pm (UTC)
If it were in a book or a tv show I'd say the writers suck, there's no character development, and it's not a believable story. :/
16th-Feb-2017 02:29 pm (UTC)
Hugs. I know you are not looking for attention. I just wish I could help. So virtual hugs are all I can give.
16th-Feb-2017 03:24 pm (UTC)
:hugs: Thank you.
16th-Feb-2017 04:57 pm (UTC)
Oh, I am so sorry you're going through this. I hope things get better for you, soon.

Best wishes! Very well written.
16th-Feb-2017 05:39 pm (UTC)
:hugs: Thank you.
16th-Feb-2017 11:09 pm (UTC)
I am sorry for your losses and I hope things in your life brighten up.
17th-Feb-2017 05:20 am (UTC)
Thank you for stopping by. :hugs:
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