Saturday was a slow day. We got a bit of packing done though it was mostly Apis unpacking and sorting through his miscellaneous boxes left over from the last move. On the plus side it means we had a few extra boxes now and a pile of things to put up on freecycle.

Sunday was the birthday party for Miss Kid who turns 8 today. I found it interesting on a couple different levels. I am amused by adults who have never met me but speak to me as though they know everything about me. I am less amused by getting photographic evidence of the brattiness in a child. I like knowing that I'm not crazy or simply seeing things but it makes me sad that I'm right. This is one time that I would have loved to be wrong.

Was hoping to get a call this weekend but I'm really glad I didn't hold my breath. Apparently I'm not important enough to take 20 minutes out of a busy life and call. I get that other people have a life outside of me, hell, I'm glad for it because any life that revolves around me would be mind numbingly boring. But, I ask for so little that I'd like to think that a little time could be taken to simply call me. Hell, I've been asking for communication for months now, it's been more than a year since we talked. I'm tired of dealing with people who put no importance on personal relationships.

I simply can not get it together this morning. I'll try going down in a bit for my workout but I'm feeling really foggy. At this point I'm not sure if it's disappointment and hurt causing it or simply lack of sleep. it's probably a combination of both really.

When you make a conscious effort to post only the happy things here it's hard to post the not so happy things.

To be honest, yes, my life is wonderful and I have a lot to be happy for. I have wonderful friends, I have my Nox, I have a love here with me, I have other loves that love me. But the little things wear on you and eat at you sometimes and eventually it all builds up and you, or I in this case, simply can't help but to cry over it. Don't feel sorry for me, Lynn's the one that had to put up with my crying most of last night. Feel sorry for him for having to deal with it after working all day.

I spend a good chunk of time nearly every day looking for a job. I have my resume posted at tons of different job boards. I have alerts of new job postings being sent to me. I'm applying for jobs every day. With each day that passes I feel more and more worthless and useless. Lynn keeps telling me that I do so much around her to help out because I have dinner ready for him when he gets home, I clean the house, I do the laundry, I organize and keep track of the food and what we need. To me though this is nothing because I know things are tight and I can't help but know that he wouldn't worry so much about the money if it wasn't for me. I use electricity during the day, and water, and food .... and it's a heavy weight at times. I feel guilty for looking at anything and saying that it's pretty or I'd like to have one someday because I feel his disappointment that he can't just wave his card and get it for me. Empathy is a terrible curse to bear at a time like this.

I feel guilty for asking to buy food when we go out to the grocery store. I feel guilty looking at socks when mine are going threadbare. I feel guilty asking to spend any part of my refund on myself because it's the only income I've managed to put into our combined money since we got together. I feel guilty for even getting up in the morning because I know I'm going to be using electric and food and I'm not contributing anything! Yes, I have heard of stay at home spouses. Yes, I'd be more than happy to do that ... if we could afford it. If I didn't feel his wince each time the bills come in and he has to juggle the money ... again.

I hate that I've spent nearly a year looking for a job now. I hate that I keep contacting staffing companies and getting canned responses. I hate that I keep getting form letters in response to job inquiries. I hate that I feel so worthless all the time. I have skills. I have brains. I am willing to work. I should be employable.

I was raised to be self reliant. Before the age of 24 I had my car paid off. I had a house. I had a good job. And now because of an auto accident and bad economy I feel like I've backslid and lost nearly everything. Yes, I have a roof over my head but I feel guilt over it because I'm costing him money and not bringing in any. Yes, I have a car but he takes it to work every day and I'm basically trapped here at the house. I don't have my phone any more so my only source of interaction with other people is the internet. Which I use for most of the day looking for a job. When I do try and contact other people I generally get brushed off or ignored. This is not counting maybe three people who will actually chat with me for a bit when they have time. No, I don't expect people to drop everything to talk to me, I may be a worthless girl with no job but I do know that my friends have to work. But when I see that somebody is having a bad day and I try to drop them a line to let them know that somebody gives a damn and they ignore me .... well, what's the point of trying anyhow?

My dad's birthday was this weekend. I called to wish him a happy birthday. As usual I got his voice mail. As usual he never called back. This is twice that I've given him the new number. My step mom has called me a couple times on it so I know they have it. We talk maybe twice a year. Generally after I call a few times and leave messages. I don't know if he's still upset with me over changing my name or not but since he doesn't return phone calls ... who knows? I wanted him to walk me down the isle at our wedding but if he's not speaking to me then how is that going to be possible? I do know he was very upset that I didn't have him contacted when I was in the hospital ... but he never answers his phone or calls back. My main contacts were people that I talk to often, people that I can count on.

All this has been rolling and tumbling around in my head. I keep trying to smile, to look on the bright side. I keep working on the dreamcatchers and the beading that I've started for the store. I keep looking for a job. I keep trying for more income. I keep being the ego machine for those I love. And I'm constantly feeling like I'm worthless, useless and nothing but a problem for everybody around me. I'm tired of hearing that it'll get better, that I'll find a job because I've been working for things to get better for a year now and I feel like I'm spinning my wheels. I'm tired of hearing that I should be 'so' happy with all that I have because the gloom keeps filtering over and when you feel trapped in a life, no matter how much you love it, you'll want to gnaw your own arm off to get away. Just to know that you can. Just to know that there is a door, a window, something out there, somewhere.

No, I don't want to leave Lynn, or any of my loves for that matter. I really am thrilled to have the life I have. But I feel like an ugly step-sister that has somehow managed to dance into the middle of a fairy tale. I don't want to be the annoying hurdles one has to overcome to get to the prince.

I don't want to be a placeholder in life, I want to feel like I'm actually moving the story along and making things better.