1st way my Monday is Awesome: I have pictures from the wedding. zhent did a phenomenal job being the shutterbug for the wedding. I will be uploading several of the pictures to Facebook just as soon as Facebook stops being a twit. And, in the meantime, for a peak at some of the wonderful pictures stop by zhent's Flickr photostream and have a look!

2nd way my Monday is Awesome: I was reminded by a huge crush of mine that the feeling is mutual. This makes me all warm and fuzzy.



Life is good.

Birthday:
Happiest of days to jaeliyah! May today be a delight and the coming year bring you double the geekiness and sales!

Visiting:
A week from now I'll have a elionwyr! Yayyyyyyyyyyyyy!!

Health:
I know it's just stress and nerves ... but waking up sick right now is really not what I need. At least after a bit more sleep my stomach seemed to have settled down. My arm is very sore today but I know how it got that way so it bothers me less in the worry department.

To Do:
I mark one thing off the to do list and two more pop on ... I'm not sure that's how it's supposed to work.

Jealousy:
The topic of jealousy came up in brigits_flame the other day. Here's my thoughts. Yeah, I get jealous, I'm human after all. But, I try to approach it with a rational mind. I don't mind if Lynn or Mr. Boyfriend look, I encourage it. I'm secure in my relationship with each of them to not feel threatened by it. There's even allowances for them to do more than just look if everything is handled correctly. But they play their part in that too. They appreciate the view of another but they don't shove it in my face either. An occasional comment of "she's really attractive" or some such is fine. However, constantly telling me all the dirty things they'd like to do with that person ... not so much. And they get that. There's a degree of respect there, on all sides, and I love them all the more for it.

Birthday:
Happiest of days to mspurrmeow! I hope today is everything you could hope for and it brings you a year full of love, happiness, and comfort.

Welcome:
Hi there to softlywhispered and re-hi to figmentj! Strap in and enjoy the ride!

Wow:
You guys are fantastic. I've been completely overwhemed with the love and support you all have shown us. Lynn is starting his job search today and we have mailed out all the lovely dreamcatchers that sold. I'll go back through and leave feedback for everybody in just a bit. I'll keep loading more to the shop as they're finished. But thank you so much for all the sales and the messages of support.

Weekend:
Friday we spent most of the day at home but ventured out for a quick trip back to Lynn's former employer to pick up the last of his things. Saturday there was a Physic & Metaphysical Fair that I had hoped would be interesting and possibly a new venue. It wasn't but now we know. Sunday was Miss Kid's dance class so we walked over to Michael's while she was there. I have feathers, butterflies, and flowers for more dreamcatchers.

Words:
Reply to this meme by yelling "Words!" and I will give you five words that remind me of you. Then post them in your LJ and explain what they mean to you. These words by morlith.
Familiar - My familiar is Nox, my little shadow who follows me around all the time. She's been beside me through all sorts of trials and happy times too. I always know that she'll be there to share life with me and greet me with a smile and kisses when I come home.
Weaver - I've woven words for many years and recently I've moved to weaving dreams and hopes.
Wild - I do sometimes feel as though I'm something wild that is just barely contained to live in the world I've been shoved into, as though I'm having to conform to those around me. I see things in a different light than others.
Connections - I like finding different connections, be they in various books or simply how people interconnect and create interwoven circles of knowledge.
Handmade - I love using my hands and creating things. It's always fun seeing things come together and how they change as they are brought into existence.

From justkimu
Books - Reading is like breathing. I'm absolutely in love with our wall of books and love adding more to it. I don't know that I'll ever have enough books. Books have been my escape, salvation and inspiration in so many ways.
Dreams - I believe that we only stop dreaming when we die, either physically or spiritually. So long as we have hope we will have dreams to lead us.
Creativity - I write, design, decorate, and create dreamcatchers. I can't help but look at things with a creative slant and play around with it.
Pagan - I was raised Christian but it never felt right. I've always been drawn to natural things and the energy around us.
Wedding
Capt. Jack Dreamcatcher:

Photo links to shop listing.

When you make a conscious effort to post only the happy things here it's hard to post the not so happy things.

To be honest, yes, my life is wonderful and I have a lot to be happy for. I have wonderful friends, I have my Nox, I have a love here with me, I have other loves that love me. But the little things wear on you and eat at you sometimes and eventually it all builds up and you, or I in this case, simply can't help but to cry over it. Don't feel sorry for me, Lynn's the one that had to put up with my crying most of last night. Feel sorry for him for having to deal with it after working all day.

I spend a good chunk of time nearly every day looking for a job. I have my resume posted at tons of different job boards. I have alerts of new job postings being sent to me. I'm applying for jobs every day. With each day that passes I feel more and more worthless and useless. Lynn keeps telling me that I do so much around her to help out because I have dinner ready for him when he gets home, I clean the house, I do the laundry, I organize and keep track of the food and what we need. To me though this is nothing because I know things are tight and I can't help but know that he wouldn't worry so much about the money if it wasn't for me. I use electricity during the day, and water, and food .... and it's a heavy weight at times. I feel guilty for looking at anything and saying that it's pretty or I'd like to have one someday because I feel his disappointment that he can't just wave his card and get it for me. Empathy is a terrible curse to bear at a time like this.

I feel guilty for asking to buy food when we go out to the grocery store. I feel guilty looking at socks when mine are going threadbare. I feel guilty asking to spend any part of my refund on myself because it's the only income I've managed to put into our combined money since we got together. I feel guilty for even getting up in the morning because I know I'm going to be using electric and food and I'm not contributing anything! Yes, I have heard of stay at home spouses. Yes, I'd be more than happy to do that ... if we could afford it. If I didn't feel his wince each time the bills come in and he has to juggle the money ... again.

I hate that I've spent nearly a year looking for a job now. I hate that I keep contacting staffing companies and getting canned responses. I hate that I keep getting form letters in response to job inquiries. I hate that I feel so worthless all the time. I have skills. I have brains. I am willing to work. I should be employable.

I was raised to be self reliant. Before the age of 24 I had my car paid off. I had a house. I had a good job. And now because of an auto accident and bad economy I feel like I've backslid and lost nearly everything. Yes, I have a roof over my head but I feel guilt over it because I'm costing him money and not bringing in any. Yes, I have a car but he takes it to work every day and I'm basically trapped here at the house. I don't have my phone any more so my only source of interaction with other people is the internet. Which I use for most of the day looking for a job. When I do try and contact other people I generally get brushed off or ignored. This is not counting maybe three people who will actually chat with me for a bit when they have time. No, I don't expect people to drop everything to talk to me, I may be a worthless girl with no job but I do know that my friends have to work. But when I see that somebody is having a bad day and I try to drop them a line to let them know that somebody gives a damn and they ignore me .... well, what's the point of trying anyhow?

My dad's birthday was this weekend. I called to wish him a happy birthday. As usual I got his voice mail. As usual he never called back. This is twice that I've given him the new number. My step mom has called me a couple times on it so I know they have it. We talk maybe twice a year. Generally after I call a few times and leave messages. I don't know if he's still upset with me over changing my name or not but since he doesn't return phone calls ... who knows? I wanted him to walk me down the isle at our wedding but if he's not speaking to me then how is that going to be possible? I do know he was very upset that I didn't have him contacted when I was in the hospital ... but he never answers his phone or calls back. My main contacts were people that I talk to often, people that I can count on.

All this has been rolling and tumbling around in my head. I keep trying to smile, to look on the bright side. I keep working on the dreamcatchers and the beading that I've started for the store. I keep looking for a job. I keep trying for more income. I keep being the ego machine for those I love. And I'm constantly feeling like I'm worthless, useless and nothing but a problem for everybody around me. I'm tired of hearing that it'll get better, that I'll find a job because I've been working for things to get better for a year now and I feel like I'm spinning my wheels. I'm tired of hearing that I should be 'so' happy with all that I have because the gloom keeps filtering over and when you feel trapped in a life, no matter how much you love it, you'll want to gnaw your own arm off to get away. Just to know that you can. Just to know that there is a door, a window, something out there, somewhere.

No, I don't want to leave Lynn, or any of my loves for that matter. I really am thrilled to have the life I have. But I feel like an ugly step-sister that has somehow managed to dance into the middle of a fairy tale. I don't want to be the annoying hurdles one has to overcome to get to the prince.

I don't want to be a placeholder in life, I want to feel like I'm actually moving the story along and making things better.

Yesterday I read a post on a friend's page that really turned me upside down. I got stuck in my head for a bit.

See, I have been pregnant three times. I should have had three children. Had any of the three made it they would have been about Miss Kid's age. None of them made it because each time that choice was ripped from me by the fists of my then boyfriend, the abusive D.

I could have easily dropped into my sorrow, gotten lost in the maze of my despair at not being given a choice. I've never been good at reaching out for help. That does tend to be driven into you when you're in an abusive situation; nobody will help you, nobody will want to be there for you. Normally I do not reach out. I hide in my darkness and fight the demons on my own until either I crack or I can banish them to the corners again. Reaching out is not allowed because I 'will' be rejected. This is the conditioning I have been given.

This time I dared to reach out. I dared to turn to a friend and say "I need help".

And I was not rejected.

She listened or distracted as needed. I cried. She comforted me and heard me out. Even if she hadn't understood how I was feeling she would have been there. She gave me a safe place to fall apart and she helped return me to stable. She gently coaxed smiles then laughter from me, all with a light hand of love and caring. Time and distance may separate us but when I needed a friend she was here, beside me, telling me I wasn't alone.

Yesterday or this post, either one could have been about how I had my future decided for me because somebody else wanted to make my choices for me since I was a stupid woman. Instead it was and is about love and friendship.

I have some of the most wonderful friends and each one is a shining star of that which is good in humanity. Thank you.

I have a friend. He is funny, intelligent, witty, sexy, and a complete delight. He should be your friend too. Luckily for you he is holding a friending frenzy today.

I have been blessed by his friendship and his advice. I have been privileged to call him Sir. I know he will enrich your friend's page as he has enriched mine.

Stop by fragbert's journal and join in the friending that's going on!



*Yes, I finally got permission to out my wonderful Sir. *glee*

• At least 2 people in this world love you so much they would die for you.
• At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
• Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep
• You mean the world to someone.
• If not for you, someone may not be living.
• When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good can still come from it.
• Someone that you don't even know exists loves you
• Always remember the compliments you have received, forget about the rude remarks.
• Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know and you'll both be happy.
• If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.

elfwench

Friday night apisanthrop and I sat down and figured out if there were any particular shows that we wanted to see as well as what foods we wanted to try and where they were located. So we had a bit of a game plan when we hit the gate yesterday morning. We grabbed a map and marked it up with locations and times and got a general idea of what route around the park we wanted to make.

Since we entered at gate 5 we were right by the African American Museum where Bryan Berg had a room for his cardstacking. That was impressive but I think we were both more interested in the rest of the museum. On our way up to the front gate we had a bit of a stroll through the Automobile Building. That put us at the front gate so I took a moment and visited the Vietnam Veterans Memorial. I used to work with Task Force Omega and we cleaned the memorial before and after the fair. Seeing the names again, and stopping at the POW/MIA, reminds me of the work I did with them, and all the sacrifice that's been made to make our country. It's always a thought that seems to make me stop.

Even though it was still early it was getting really warm and I had planned to stop by my favorite shop to get a new shirt. I found a dark blue tank with a fairy gracing the front so from there we wandered through the Centennial Building so I could check out the cars that I should never be allowed to drive and I changed shirts in the bathroom. After we hit the craft building it was decided that we needed to eat and we were over by the first of the places that we wanted to try food stuff from so we settled down on the grass with a cup of fried coke. Yeah, Fried Coke. Essentially it was dough fried in coke and a bit of coke syrup poured over the top. It was not bad, not amazing, but it would be a great treat every now and again. I loved sitting on the grass in the shade with Apis enjoying the bit of breeze and watching the people pass by.  From there we made a pass through the Embarcadero and the Creative Arts building checking out the beautiful entries in the various craft contests they'd had.

At 1:40 we wanted to be at the Hall of State steps to see the Lion Dance by the San Antonio Lion Dance Association. Well, my time sense meant that we were 5 minutes late but we still enjoyed most of the show I got some really great pictures of the dance and of the costumes. After a snow cone we stopped in at the petting zoo and played with the animals. Yet more great pictures of the animals as well and fuzzy heads to pet and scratch. Then we headed over to the Coliseum where the Market Place and the Sand Sculpture were. ... I really need to have more money on me next year. Apis decided I was a bit too fuzzy at that point so we hit the food court for Fried Alligator. Um ... interesting. I probably would have preferred it grilled, but mostly because I'm not big on the cajun seasoning. Naturally after lunch we had to have dessert, which of course meant the Midway where we found the Fried Ice Cream. Now that, was really good. I think that will become a yearly favorite.

We wanted to stop at the Aquarium but it was pay to enter, *sigh* last year it was free entry. Same for the Museum of Nature and Science. We ended up taking a break on a bench and just relaxing for a bit in a quiet area. I returned dydan's phone call to make sure we had our times and places meshed for meeting at the pub later. Then Apis and I had the privilege of calling Mrs. elfwench and cheering her up. I do so love to hear her laughter. (As a side note, it was noted when lackland called me, I do not actually have a Mapsco shoved up my ass so I can not always figure out where he's lost at and how to get him home from there. *eye roll*)

I wanted to make sure Apis saw Big Tex since it was his first time at the fair so we did a pass by and wondered up to International Boulevard to finish off the last of our tickets before heading out to the car. I'm glad I have Mapquest on my phone as I had forgotten the directions to get from the fair grounds to South Central Freeway to get to the pub. After a bit of lost wondering in Dallas and a minor panic attack on my part (did I mention once before I hate Dallas?) we did find our way to the pub.

Trinity Hall over by Mockingbird Station was awesome! Though, I think that was mostly because I was getting to see dydan. *grin* The four of us enjoyed fun conversation, tasty food, and a great live Irish band (there were men in kilts! We debated playing kilt inspectors but never did get around to it). Finally we decided we should probably call it a night so we saw Dydan and her Jared off in the taxi before walking back to the car and heading home.

Yeah, heading home. That sounds easy doesn't it. It was more like circle around home for an hour or so. (I hate Dallas!) Damn signs and freeways. So, after a meltdown by the driver (um, me) we finally got headed the right direction and found home. Once there we both passed out from a very fun, enjoyable day and night.

Reposted with permission.


Via: Elfwench 08:16 am August 9th, 2007

No easy way to say it: My son, Robert, is missing. He's 21 years old, but not like most 21 year olds. He's very reliable, very conscious of his responsibilities and of right and wrong. He hardly drinks at all - maybe a drink with friends, but even his friends confirm that he doesn't drink to get drunk and he doesn't do drugs.

Background:

Friday night Robert's car broke down. Long story short, it proved irreparable. He was desperate to find another car so he could get to and from work. So he took Monday off with the intention of buying a car and getting it titled and then be back on the road Tuesday I found a car on Craigslist and he contacted that person and a few others. Most said their car was sold. But the original that I sent him he went to see on Monday (walked out there!) and he bought it. But, the license branches are closed on Monday, so he had to take an additional half a day off on Tuesday.

Tuesday he came here and then headed out to the license branch, having had a half day off OK'd by the boss. Came back pissed off, seems the title wasn't in the car seller's name, but the name of the place he bought it from, and it was a dealer's title. So after expressing his ire here, he tried calling the seller, and got no answer. So he went out there prepared to tell the guy off and demand he fix the situation or give him his $800 back. The seller wasn't at his home, and another car was parked in the same spot where the car Robert bought was the day before. And Robert came home even more distraught and ended up crying. He decided he'd go try again to talk to the guy after work. And then he decided, after calming down, to go see his friend C. and talk to her about this before going in to work.

"I love you, Ma! See you tonight!" he said as he left

I told him, "I love you, too!" and wished him a good day.

Only, he never came here after work. And for once I did not worry. I figured that he was working late at first, and that maybe since he didn't take a lunch with him that he was hot and tired and decided to head straight home. Then his roommate called looking for him at 10:30 that same night, and again at midnight. I called her Wednesday morning, and he never came home. He didn't come to pick up his lunch either. And he never did go in to work yesterday (not like him!) and now this roommate is saying that Robert stole money from her (very not like him -- possibly a lie.)

And he never made it in to work Wednesday. Both Lord_Keeper (I called his boss's desk and asked for Lord_Keeper yesterday) and his friend J. confirm this. J. went to his work looking for him, seeing what he could find out.

So a missing person''s report has been filed. The police have his picture and description and phone numbers and names of people he's talked to including the car guy. His friend C. was the last person to see him. Said he decided not to go in to work for the remainder of the day (again, not like him!) and was going to go home, and that's the last anybody knows.

Oh, and before he left here he posted this short post on his MySpace that is making me and his friends worry about his state of mind since it sounded like a goodbye post. His friends J. and C. have been searching the city for him yesterday. Alan took it upon himself to wander around Greenwood looking for him last night. But nothing so far.

I'm heartsick. Everyone who knows him knows that this is not like him. And the police tell me there's nothing to do except wait.

The detective from Missing Persons is supposed to call me today for more information. So, since I don't have a cell phone I canceled today's Community Connections (employment consultant) appointment. Which is fine by me because I have no mind for it today. I hardly slept at all, and my mind is singly on this crisis.

I don't know what to do. I feel so lost right now between first Keeper leaving me and the pending divorce, and now this. I feel like I'm losing everyone I love.

Yes, I'm afraid of the worst.