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Steadfast Love
I'd walk a 1000 miles, just for you.
Fear is not Love 
11th-Jan-2017 03:42 pm [lj idol s10]
Believe
I once thought that if I loved somebody enough they wouldn’t hurt me anymore. If I proved myself then the fists, the kicks, and the hateful words would stop. Nothing was good enough so I ran.

I once thought that if I loved a different somebody enough then I’d be enough for him. If I did enough then I’d be the only girl he wanted. I was never good enough so I ran.

I once thought that if I loved a different somebody enough that I could make it work. If I was that ray of sunshine and joy that he’d move past his anger, his rage, his depression. I could never be happy enough so I ran.

When this somebody told me he loved me I didn’t feel the familiar creep of fear. I looked into his eyes and saw only naked honesty. I saw raw feelings and uncluttered truth.

He tells me daily that he loves me. There’s no motive behind it other than it being what he feels. Fear has ruled my life for so long. Sometimes I would forget that there’s a life out there without the fear motivating every move, every decision.

I used to love because I feared. I was afraid of getting beat, of being left, of not being good enough. Fear is no longer the heart of my love. I love now because he is wholly mine. I love because he believes me to be good enough. I love because he loves me and wants only me. Love is now a two way street.

I will never love out of fear again.
Howls 
11th-Jan-2017 11:47 pm (UTC)
Beautiful, powerful, and brave.
12th-Jan-2017 04:59 am (UTC)
Thank you Doll! :hugs:
12th-Jan-2017 07:21 pm (UTC)
You have packed so much story into this space. Great, evocative, and ultimately triumphant.
12th-Jan-2017 07:33 pm (UTC)
Thank you!! It's hard to condense 3 lengthy relationships into 3 sentences each but I like how it worked out. Thank you so much for reading.
13th-Jan-2017 01:41 am (UTC)
SO lovely to get to that strong place where we are able to let go of fear. Well done on your entry!
15th-Jan-2017 10:31 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much!
13th-Jan-2017 05:39 pm (UTC)
So happy for you now!
15th-Jan-2017 10:32 pm (UTC)
Thank you! :)
14th-Jan-2017 02:23 pm (UTC)

It is so good to read your happy ending.

15th-Jan-2017 10:33 pm (UTC)
Thank you! I'm glad I was able to get there. :)
15th-Jan-2017 04:21 pm (UTC)
You have done a great job condensing the essence of these relationships! I'm glad you are currently in a relationship that you deserve and that is free of the fear from the other two.
15th-Jan-2017 10:34 pm (UTC)
My first serious bf and my first two marriages were super not good. My Jon has done a lot to help move past them. :)

Thank you so much for reading.
15th-Jan-2017 08:31 pm (UTC)
I'm so glad you have found someone worthy of your love, who loves you in return.

And I hope it's clear by now that the problem in those earlier relationships was never you, and that no amount of loving or trying to be 'perfect' would ever have changed them.
15th-Jan-2017 10:36 pm (UTC)
I still struggle with it. I take on way too much and feel guilt about things I have no control over. But Jon is good for me and tells me wonderful things about myself that I can't yet see.
16th-Jan-2017 05:38 pm (UTC)
Beautifully written!
16th-Jan-2017 06:22 pm (UTC)
Thank you! :)
18th-Jan-2017 12:16 pm (UTC)
Ah! Well done. You combined so much of emotion in such a small space. Good to know you are in a happy place now.
18th-Jan-2017 02:48 pm (UTC)
Thank you! I'm glad I was able to pack it all in there effectively. :D
18th-Jan-2017 10:41 pm (UTC)
Ohhh ... I loved this. resonates with my mind's thoughts.

I am so glad you realised and made love a two way street.

" He tells me daily that he loves me. There’s no motive behind it other than it being what he feels."

I have that too .... Happy for you :)
19th-Jan-2017 12:13 am (UTC)
I will never love out of fear again

Such a powerful last line. I'm so glad you've found a love that is free from fear.
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