I once thought that if I loved somebody enough they wouldn’t hurt me anymore. If I proved myself then the fists, the kicks, and the hateful words would stop. Nothing was good enough so I ran.
I once thought that if I loved a different somebody enough then I’d be enough for him. If I did enough then I’d be the only girl he wanted. I was never good enough so I ran.
I once thought that if I loved a different somebody enough that I could make it work. If I was that ray of sunshine and joy that he’d move past his anger, his rage, his depression. I could never be happy enough so I ran.
When this somebody told me he loved me I didn’t feel the familiar creep of fear. I looked into his eyes and saw only naked honesty. I saw raw feelings and uncluttered truth.
He tells me daily that he loves me. There’s no motive behind it other than it being what he feels. Fear has ruled my life for so long. Sometimes I would forget that there’s a life out there without the fear motivating every move, every decision.
I used to love because I feared. I was afraid of getting beat, of being left, of not being good enough. Fear is no longer the heart of my love. I love now because he is wholly mine. I love because he believes me to be good enough. I love because he loves me and wants only me. Love is now a two way street.
I will never love out of fear again.