Shadow Wolf Byrd (shadowwolf13) wrote,
Shadow Wolf Byrd
shadowwolf13

LJ Idol Season 4, Topic 2

What Terrifies Me

I'm a bright, fairly successful, young woman. At the relatively tender age of 26 I am in the process of buying my house, I own my car, I have a decent paying job. I see progress in my life, almost on a daily basis. I have friends who love me and tell me so often. You would think I would be at the top of the world.

One the one hand I'm terrified by the thought that all I see is merely a dream. One day I'll wake from my slumber and find that all the progress I've made, all the lovely wonderful friends and happiness I've found is naught but a dream that my seventeen year old self created to escape into, to hide from reality in, to forget for a few hours that I'm beaten and abused on a daily basis by one who claims to love me. I fear that this life I live is imagination in my mind to ignore that I'm used for the personal pleasure of one who has no right, who should protect me from his son. I fear that all I have worked for will be burned away like so much mist when my waking causes the sun to come out. I'll wake and find that I'm still terribly familiar with huddling in a corner to protect my body from his fists and feet. I'll find that I only thought I walked away and found love and happiness.

On the other hand, I see all the progress I've made, I remember all the pain I've lived since I left him, and I know it's not a dream, it's real. I see the end of my dark tunnel and all the steps along the way that I must take to reach my happy ending, and it seems like so many, too many, and I'll never make it. I'll be left here, static. I fear that I'll always be striving for the life that I have planned with my Love, that there will always be just one more thing standing between our joint happiness and creating our life together. We'll always be barred from progress by more red tape, more little details, no matter how long we work at it. In the end I'll still be alone, loved only from a distance, and never truly moving forward.

What terrifies me is being trapped, be it in my past or from my future. Either I'll wake and find that all my progress is gone, or I'll wake and realize that I'm going nowhere, that all my plans are torn through like tissue paper.

Tags: fear, lj idol s4
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