Shadow Wolf Byrd (shadowwolf13) wrote,
Shadow Wolf Byrd
shadowwolf13

Not the Mama!

"You'll change your mind, you're still young"

"You're not complete until you do."

"They're such a blessing!"

Um ... no.

At the age of 15 I was undecided on kids. Oh, I loved the method of getting them, but I didn't really want one of my own. But I bought into the hype of how I should live my life and what my goals should be. I said that I'd like three, just like my mom; and the husband, house, and white picket fence. Yeah, I drank the kool-aid.

I got older. I experienced three miscarriages via the hands of a very abusive boyfriend. I moved on and married somebody else. I drank other flavors of kool-aid. And I realized something.

I like me, just the way I am. I like that I have free time to pursue my own wants and creative brainstorms. I like that I can take an hour or two any time I feel like it and have a pampering bubble bath, just because. I like that I can run around the house naked and greet Lynn at the door wearing nothing more than my wedding ring. I love my freedom.

Those that insist that I should care about children and procreating really don't get it. I like 'me'. I don't need a baby on my hip to make me feel complete, no more than I need a man in my life. I choose to have a man, two actually, but I don't need them to make me feel like a real woman. Anyhow, I thought it was certain body parts that made the difference between a woman and a man, not necessarily the use of them.

I'm not enamored with spending nine months with less idea of how my body is going to respond to various things. It's taken me 28 years to figure most of it out as it is and it still throws little wrenches into the expected plans now and again. I don't want to be at the mercy of something that takes up residence in my body for nine months and then spends the next eighteen years turning my life upside down.

I was honest with Lynn when we got together. He had a six year old daughter. If he was going to have a relationship with me he needed to understand that his baby making days were over with. I want to build a home and loving partnership, not a family. It's now been two years since we began seeing each other and between dealing with his daughter and her mother, I'm even more firmly convinced that that's not the road I wish to go down.

No matter how hard I try there will always be different rules between the two houses because I insist on respect, adherence to rules, and teaching cause and effect when rules are disobeyed. We believe that lies are a very bad thing and consideration for other people's belongings and feelings should always be present. I'm fighting a battle here with the mother because none of these things are important to her. I get that to the kid it's hard to swing between two worlds with two very different rules. But I refuse to lower my standards of acceptable behavior to the lowest common denominator just to appease the mom.

We often make plans a couple of weeks in advance because when you're scheduling between adults that's typically the easiest way to do things. Miss Kid's mother has all the visits with us on a calendar and I have yet to understand why she refuses to use it and stop scheduling things when Miss Kid is supposed to be with us. Yet time and time again Miss Kid's mother has come to us at the last minute with phrases such as "Miss Kid 'really' wants to go" and "we promised we'd be there" or my favorite "She needs to be at $place at $time". One of my biggest issues with being a mother is that suddenly there's soccer practice or band camp or recitals. I didn't care about those things as a kid and I care even less now. Add to this that each one of these times means that Lynn gets less of his court agreed upon time with his daughter and it's yet another annoyance that's tied to having kids.

Today she'll like raman and tomorrow she won't touch it. Yesterday she loves bland foods but the day before she declared that she didn't want to eat something because it had no taste. I have to structure our food stores for when she's with us. Normally I can buy things in groups of two and that's perfect. Nearly everything is sold in even numbers. But when Miss Kid is here it's cooking for three. We rarely need for left overs and yet when she's here they're more common.

Recently we've had to restructure rules around here. There was a punishment that she requested, getting smacked, for a certain behavior, fidgeting. She was warned that the punishment would begin lightly as a gentle reminder but if she kept up the offending action then the punishment would become more severe. She agreed that was fair and we went merrily on our way. A few weeks ago she sat and fidgeted and received the punishment. The resulting red mark which lasted less than five minutes was more than she expected. So she lied to her mother and started a chain of events that could have possibly gotten either I or her father in a lot of trouble. So new rules are much harsher than before. Do I care that her feelings are hurt over the new rules? No. I'm more upset that her father is having to see what a brat his daughter has become. I'm having to once more slide everything around because of her. It annoys the crap out of me.

Were I to now have kids with Lynn then we'd just be opening a new barrel of monkeys. Our children would be angry and upset that Miss Kid doesn't have rules at her mother's house and gets to do as she pleases. Our children would be mad that there's many times where Miss Kid doesn't have any punishment at all since there are no rules. Miss Kid would be angry that there would be some pretty obvious favoritism since her half-siblings would be raised with our rules and thus better behaved in my eyes. And stuck in the big middle of it all like a dog's chew toy would be Lynn.

"It takes all kinds to make a world."

It truly does and just because I have boobs, a fantastic set so I'm told, does not mean that I have to want children. Besides, the last time I checked we were looking at a very overcrowded world anyhow.
Tags: about me, apis / lynn, lj idol s6, miss kid, parenting
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